Cumulative

Uhm, yeah, I have another journal but no one gets the addy for it. So, nyeah. I'm gonna take the parts from the entries that I WANT people to have :) Soo...here we gooo...</p>*I'll type up my entry for today later and post it in the next entry.*o1.o1.o3--2.34amWell, for those of you that do know me, I'm friends with Becky again. After...uhm, a long time. We're friends again! Yay! Before I forget: Happy New Year! ...Sort of. 2003. *sigh* Becky and I made up last night. I'm a lot happier now. Last night I had a huge arguement with my mom, too. I was gonna cut... I probably would've made it really, really bad, too. Cuz, well, normally, it's like, press & drag. I was wanting to just slash, slash, slash. Bleed all over. Pass out... Aaanyway. "I drew the blade across my wrist to see how it would feel.I looked into the future, there was nothing to reveal."-"Round and Round," Strawbso1.o2.o3--6.43pmn*e wayz--I've been suffering in the a/c today. Trying to get used to being cold all the time because it's an absolute must. Kind of a requirement of sorts. But it's not hard to be cold. I get cold when it's like, 70-ish degrees outside. Hell, 2 days ago, it was 80 degrees out--I was cold. *BUT* the wind was 20-30mph. So...maybe it wasn't without reason. Fatass Harold was 'comfortable' though. Oh, fuck me. Cold right now, in fact. Eh, oh well. Thinking about Alfonso constantly. Every waking minute, you could say. My mind is caught up in a stampede. Thoughts of Aj...how he's doing...how much I miss him...how much I love him. Thoughts of his kiss. Enough with the paranoia trip. I'm not in the mood to be cutting again. o1.o2.o3--7.28pmI miss Alfonso. >_< I love that boi. I wish he was getting back in 4 days--but NOO...It's 12 days. Bleh! *faints* Ugh. I got my buspass for the month today. Saw 2 hot guys on the busses I rode to/from the central terminal. *drool* A surfer (he was with his girlfriend--she looked a bit...well, Ew.) and a fyne boriqua who was carrying a guitar. He had a maroon rag on, a black beanie, maroon long sleeved shirt, black jeans, and maroon shoes. Ah, he was HOT. *Keeping in mind that I gotta man*I'm REALLY bored. Maybe I should go do what I was supposed to be doing all break: memorizing my damn lines!o1.o3.o3-6.51amYay! Harold's gone. >_< It was entirely too stressful to have him around all the time along with my mother. I could've just curled up in a ball in the damn closet or something. Can anyone relate to having to parents ganging up on you?! BLEH! n*e wayz--I had to wake up 'early' today. I didn't. I was supposed to wake up at 4.3o...woke up at 5.o5. Shyt, I'll get 3o extra minutes even if it means getting yelled at. Fuck them! I was even ready before them! So NYEA LoL Yeah, I kinda went to sleep early last night. Like...11ish? I stayed up long enough to watch Showgirls on TNN. Such a good movie. Ahh. *rolls eyes* Maroone commercial is on. Can we say A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G? OMFG. Well, I'm gonna go tackle my to do list.o1.o3.o3--1o.12pmAh, just remembered something I've been meaning to add on here. I keep forgetting everytime I'm typing up a new entry! >_< n*e wayz, yeah, Alfonso had called me on New Year's Eve...from the Dominican Republic. (I really hope that call isn't forever expensive...) But, uhh...yeah, he said he couldn't talk long...*He'd called my cell phone--Ohio number* And just as we were ending the call, my phone started cutting out. But from what I could tell, I *think* he was crying. I miss him SO much!! >_< BLEH! *sigh* n*e wayz, I'm gonna go & look shyt up. More later.o1.o5.o3--12.29amook, gag me. Today's me & Alfonso's 1 month anniversary. I can't even call him. He hasn't called me (not that I expect him to)...but he hasn't even gotten online!! >_< Ugh! Damn vacations! GRR! So, anywayz. I guess...I'm totally alone on my anniversary. Yay. All's well. I think. I need to get back in school. The 7th needs to come already. School, mom's new job. *sigh* o1.o5.o3--5.26am*yawn* I've been up all night. Bleh. Anaway, I made a xanga account for Deni today. She's thankin' me majorly. I want Ang to make one too...I need something to read when I get bored. ::listening to: "All I Have" - J. Lo & LL Cool J::o1.o5.o3--1.39pmUgh. I fell asleep >_< I wanted to hear that Issues Over The Rainbow shit w/MarkyG on 93.1!! GRAH! That's a 3rd week I've attempted and failed to be up to hear it. Bleh. So n*e wayz--the reason I woke up: I was having a REALLY bad dream and it was kinda ending; but I'd kinda had enough. So, here's how it goes: We (me & Alfonso) were in some really lighted room, he was skinny (not with the help of ana, he just...worked out & whatnot; he told me a few weeks before he left that he really wanted to lose like 100 lbs. ONE HUNDRED?! I'll kill that boi...) and I had put on more weight, so I was like, OBESE. And like, the whole point of it was he was breaking up with me. I "still meant the world" to him, but "not being able to see" me was killing him. Kinda like the thing I'm always thinking about. Err. Only...I was bawling and he was just like...I don't understand why you're so upset, blah, blah, blah. Oh, bullshit. This scares me. I really hope I'm not forced to deal with ANOTHER break up soon...::watching Carrie::o1.o6.o3--4.13pm. So, n*e wayz--My tummy hurts! I kept having to get a new piece of gum. Time to invest in some more Orbit. Or I could rely on my klepto side and get some at 7-11 tomorrow morning. Which reminds me, today: Ruthie walked up and I was the first at 7-11 (as usual) and she was like, "OMG! Guess what my New Year's resolution is??" And she continued (and I said it with her), "No more stealing!" LMFAO I wonder how long she'll last. 7-11 is just...so...easy. *LoL* Sarah got her nipples pierced over break. She was drunk. Yeah, as I'd thought before, she seems really annoyed with me. Kinda has like, no patience with me. Whatever. I'm not going to waste her time or anything. No reason to. So...yeah, anaway. Jordan got her nipples done, too. Sarah's tongue is healed. I'm still tattooless. *sigh* Well, my mom just came home. I'm going shoe shopping in a lil'. Bye ya'llz! More later o1.o6.o3--9.28pmAfter my mom came home, I stayed online for like, 20 more minutes, and then fell asleep. She woke me up and said to switch the screenames over. So, I did. Then I told her to let me sleep for a half an hour, then wake me up so we could go get my shoes. She wakes me up like, an hour later. And I'm just like "eh??" LoL I was so like, blah. I practically rolled off the bed to get ready. And to my surprise, my hair was untouched. So uhm, yeah. We get in the car and she drives 2 blocks to 36th; where the First Union/Wachovia bank is. I was like...uhm?! What are you doing? And she's like, "Getting you money for your shoes so I don't have to go in and argue with you in the store." Right. OOK. Bitch. So we drive up to Coral Ridge Mall, right? She drives all the way over to Publix, and goes and parks. I get out and I'm like TALKING TO MYSELF on the way to the door. I must've looked insane. But yeah, I walk up to Famous Footwear, the whole time remembering the 18th when I was there with Mariana, Alfonso and Melissa. Blah. I took like, a half an hour to pick out my shoes. I only had $40 and the $4 in my pocket from my change at 7-11 this morning. I spent uhm...$43 on my shoes. Nike's. I talked to Aunt Donna not too long ago; she said Samantha was going to Vietnam with granny for the summer, after she graduates & she thinks Uncle Hoang is like, starting a tradition. Nam after graduation. Hmm. So, if I went, I could go with Kaila...or wait 'till Steph graduates & go with her. ...Now to prove I'm not the only fucking fag in the family...Karlan? Casey? ...Justin? *Eww* Uhm...OMG! TOMMY! LMFAO! He used to be bi. AHH! Soo funny. hehe aaanawayz. I talked to Matt today. I still love that boi. He's goin' through shit right now. ...I miss him. >_< More later though.o1.o7.o3--4.34pmCame home today to an eviction notice on my door. Called mom. She said to just pack up our stuff. We'll be out on the 11th. Er maybe it's the 12th? No matter. Either way, I'm close to that homeless point. Our landlord is a complete dick, and, thanks to his lying, cheating ass, I've got 5 days to get our asses outta this fucking apartment. Soo...yeah, as if my day didn't suck already. Another 7 days 'till Alfonso gets back. Probably like another 2 weeks before I'll see him. His dad's bein' dick, too. So...yeah, whatever. I wish my mom hadn't come home. She was supposed to work today. Well, work her other job. But she isn't. Ugh. I'd rather just rely on Rose to comfort me. "Dear, sweet Rose..." *sigh* Things get outta control with Rose, it's not my fucking fault. I simply cannot deal with all of this right now. These are the times I wish my mom actually accepted me being gay. I could talk to her. I could be close to her. And I wouldn't end up cutting myself to relieve stress and shit. But no, instead, she has to totally close it out...and because of that, I've got more on my mind. I hope she takes a nap. Soon. Shit is just entirely too much anymore. I want out. Now. I just want to leave everything. Forever. I want it all to go away. If only I were 18... Ugh. I'd be so gone by now. Rooming with friends, not worrying to death about money. I'd actually be ABLE to have a fucking job. Nah, that'd be incredibly too easy, right? Ugh. I'm stuck suffering... For another 3 years. Living in an apartment with absolutely NO space. Arguing constantly. Being stressed all the time... Whatever. I'm gonna go now. Time for comfort...well, with food, anyway. For now. Later, though. Later. ::listening to: "Mesmerize" by Ja Rule f/Ashanti:: ...Do whatcha do to me babeh...o1.o8.o2--5.54pm*yawn* Yeah, Deni asked for my xanga site addy twice...cuz I told her to read it yesterday and at first, I told her. She lost it er some shit. Then she asked again, read it, and was like...oh, I'm SORRY I "tripped out" on you...ER whatever. And like, blocked me. (She says because she was gonna go send something to someone & get off) But oh well. So, then she writes me this e-mail, which I deleted at first, but then changed my mind and read:before u go off into ur lil shell u think thats going to protect you from me because u think im trying to hurt u hear one thing..no matter how much u fucking say the shit ur saying u no not a WORD of it is true. EVERYTHING i ever said to you was the truth and u know it deep in ur heart and u hate the fact them im right! i was telling you this for ur own good! if u didnt believe me u wouldnt have stopped!i told u the things i did because I LOVE YOU...if u havent noticed there is quite a big distance between us and u could have lied... but u didn't....so u ask you urself why...you just lost one the best things that ever happened to u...just because they 'rose their voice and told u the truth'...whatever...i hope ur life treats u well... i love you..byehahaha...lalala...*Moving On*So anyway, yeah, I went and laughed my ass off today with Sara (this chik that rides my bus and I never talked to before)...She's really cool. But uhm, I dunno...I was with her at the picnic tables by the cafeteria and Sarah, Ruthie, and everyone came over and sat by Hunter, Marco, Larry, Alex & them...It's probably just me, but I think they were giving me "looks". Whatever. It's not my fault I feel like they all fucking hate me and are just being fake.We finally finished up the rehearsal for that God forsaken show "Oh, Horrors..." I couldn't be more enthralled. Though I've got like, 8 more days 'till we perform it... And I'm not very excited about having to sing...or having to memorize my stupid fucking lines for this dumbass show. It's so corny, and EVERYONE in the class agrees. I shouldn't have let Mr. Knott get to me when he'd asked me to be "Gahiji Amun"...When he said I'd have to sing, I should've listened to what I was hearing in my head. "Don't do it, you're going to be singing." ...That kinda thing. So, uhm, yeah. Whatever. I'm stuck with it now--HOO-RAY!Rose visited today. I feel so good. Didn't use my RBs though. Noo, nope, nope, nope. Something more...err, something better. Yeah, knives are fun.Uhhm...anawayz. I'm BORED! >_< And hungry. And I had McDz. I felt fulllllllllll...Oh, my gawd. And that's gone. So we're good. KFC is coming home with my mom. mmm. And as soon as she goes to sleep, it'll be gone just like the McDz was. More later! ps-6 days 'till Alfonso gets baaack!!::watching: "Paradise"-LL Cool J f/Amerie::o1.o8.o3--1o.o8pmI'm so fucking stressed out right now I could SERIOUSLY fucking kill my mom right now. I'm not in any kinda fucking mood to deal with ANYONE'S shit. This shit is going WAY too far and I SIMPLY CANNOT deal with ANYTHING any fucking more. My mom is annoying me beyond fucking belief and I'm REALLY pissed at every little fucking thing she does. I can't wait to fucking turn 18 and get my ass outta the mutha fucking house because I just wanna be able to be LEFT THE FUCK ALONE when I NEED TO BE. My homework is just...totally shit that we're not taught in class, though the 'procedures' to do the problems are. But--get this--they use little uh...numbers, 'elements'...whatever the fuck you call 'em. I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER--in the problem and I'm like, clueless beyond belief. My mom's good with math. Everything besides fucking Algebra. Actually, just like...addition, subtraction, multiplacation, division...maybe some other shit. She talked about how she was good in math in Vietnam...taking off her little sandals er whatever, counting on her fingers & toes. God, I'm SO FUCKING ANNOYED! And the bitch on TV fucking bothers me. I'm watching The Bachelorette and she's talking about how she's falling for more than one guy, and it scares her because she's been alone for such a long time, blah, blah, blah. Wonder if she's been hurt? It made her cry because she couldn't "handle the burden" of "possibly causing someone else to hurt"...What the fuck is that?! Jesus Christ, bitch, get a life. I need my mom to fucking go to sleep. Now. I wanna go uh, talk...to Rose again. I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I don't feel like having to wear my piece of shit uniform. I don't feel like dealing with the jackasses in my class. I don't feel like waking up. Ever. Again. I'm gonna go.ps-My mom is now giving me attitude because I was supposed to was a (1, one) pan--the rice pan. She wants the fucking rice, and she fucking left it there. Besides, she always expects me to just clean up after her when she cooks. I don't even feel like EATING, and she wants me to clean up for something that I don't even want?! >_<

I'm at th...

I'm at the library with Annie...it's been like...FOREVER since I wrote.</p>This morning, my mom found out that Jeff and I lied to her about him being gay and now he's not allowed to call. Sucks to be me. But anyway, we started to move into Woodside and even though my new room is a lil smaller, I like it more. ...but I have less wall space(less Brit pix for my wall!!)Oh well, I have a door:o) I'm sooo bored.I miss & love Jeff so much, but it's WAY obvious that we're never gonna be a couple again.Annie and Ryan are about to break up and...yeah. Amber just broke up with Justin, Alicia, I dunno bout her, haven't talked to her in a while. Becky n James...dunno either. uhm. Mandi n Nate...still fuckin' I bet u he only wants her for a fuck...LoLI want my bed n dresser n CD holder thingy in my room already!! I *FINALLY* get em moved in TOMORROW. lalalaI have a pic of Brit n her dancers...1 looks like Jeff. *grin* hehe I'm gonna stare @ it 4ever now LoLI should cut that dancer out n blow up the pic....hmm iiiidea...But anyway, Becky forged my mom's signature so I can maybe go to the lock-in @ PAS on 1/4...hope Mrs. Stroud gets to my mom before then!!But anyway, I g2g...finish later. I hope. (Comp ain't hooked up yet..)

Just got off the...

Just got off the phone with Jeff, my ex, who I THOUGHT I still had feelings for and THOUGHT still wanted to atleast TALK to me...but he hasn't called in 2 weeks. I realize he's been busy with rehersals and all...but not even a QUICK phone call? ONE? A small, SHORT, to-the-point kinda call!? nahhh NEVER...</p>Here's the whooooooole story...Becky introduced me n Jeff(Jeff and I, WHATEVER! This ISN'T English class, so SCREW IT) a couple weeks ago...at the movies. He was shy at first...I loved it...it was sooooo cute!! But anyway...then like...2 weeks later we went out on our 1st date...when he left, we only hugged but I was like in the CLOUDS. I S K I P P E D back to the sidewalk and hadda smile on my face the whooooole rest of the night...my dad thought I was high or drunk or something...LoL But yeah, then, we went out, Becky snapped and kept threatening suicide, which we knew was serious so we broke up. It's all downhill from there...Actually, one LAST *fun* night with Jeff...November 16th. Backseat of Mrs. Stroud's car. He sat there playin' w/my hair and I *stupidly* spit out..I-Love-You...He told me not to say it unless I meant it...and that I scared him when I said it...then I told him again...and he told me the same. But, now I'm not so sure WHAT to believe. If he loves me, if he hates me, what he thinks...I'm so lost. There are so many things I want to tell him but can't and I just wish he knew how I felt. But, it doesn't matter. I have no chance to be with him again, even if he wanted to, cuz I don't want anything to happen w/Becky.On another note, Nick (someone who used to go to Becky and Jeff's school, which I *might* go to next year...)found out about me n Jeff. I have no idea how...either he heard about it from some friends @ PAS(the school..Performing Arts School of Metropolitan Toledo) or saw us together or somethin...but at lunch today, when I sat down to talk to my best friend Annie's ex, Ryan, he was like "So Mark, How's Jeff??" I was like *jaw drops and tries to play it cool* "Who's Jeff?" It was SO obviously a lie and I got up and ran to ask Amber something about a Cross Country paper....but then...for the next like...2 periods, I was being questioned: "Who's Jeff? Who's Jeff?"Damn it...2 1/2 more quarters of...that...HOPEFULLY my mom LETS me go to PAS next year*crosses fingers* After she sees my...uhm "devotion"(LoL) from auditioning for Willy Wonka, she might think twice!! But then again, it might be a bad idea. The opportunity to vent to(more like KILL) Becky and Jeff would be around so much more...Let's see...Becky says I take things way too personally. And I need to chill. I know I do. I don't mean to take things out on other people. It just...happens.Speaking of just...happening. Kissing Jeff....uhh yeah. Self explanitory?Ohh...a GOOD THING that happened today. I had some of my current and former teachers look over my "Why I Want To Go To College" paragraphs(2 paragraphs, 250 words minimum) It's due by Thursday to Mr. Hankish.Ah, I love this. Eat, eat, eat. I'm pissed and everytime I get pissed, I look for normally "fattening" foods. I don't get fat though...I lose weight. Hellooooo Nutrageous LoLLast time, I did this for 3 days. Nothing but candy and pop. Lost 9 1/2 pounds. Easy as piiiiiiie...MMM! PIE!...found more chocolate. Ah I wish I could stay this way forever. Well, with a LITTLE more muscle. >Not even< 28/30 waist...5'3 1/2"...like...100 lbs..*sigh*Maybe I should wish to get really fat? Then no one would think I'm cute--EVER!...not sayin that..uhm..heavier people aren't hot/cute/whatever...It's a suprise Jeff liked me tho...Anyway, Annie's phone is *STILL* busy. Prolly talkin' 2 RYAN...she said she'd call me...and if she doesn't--I'll KILL HER!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA...sorry bout that, but yeah. Becky and Jeff are on the phone...I was supposed 2 call HIM back but he called her...before I vent again...*Breatheeeeeeee*Ohh..I could be SO mean and never give Jeff his Britney cup. For her 2001-2002 World Tour. I am so mean...:o) I love my ideas!!I can't wait until I move. My whole room is gonna be redone(OH YEAH!) Britney posters eeeeeeeverywhere:o)

Today, m...

Today, my dad found out about me.

Just woke up. I f...

Just woke up. I forgot to write something last night. Me and Susan talked about it. Annie is being such a little hypocrite. Because like…I’ll talk about being outside with Susan all day or actually I’ll just talk about Susan and she’ll get all quiet. But, if I was to do that when she talked about Wes, or Jim or Maria or Ty or any of her NEW friends, she’d think something was wrong with me. It’s like…she’s allowed to have and make new friends…but I’m just supposed to stay stuck with the very few I have. By the way, the very few I have is like…Amber, Annie, Susan, Maggie. Naturally, all girls! Guys don’t talk to me as much. Unless they’re making fun of me. Or they want homework. Or…soon…probably wanting head too. But that’s only if I come out. And, people will wanna beat me up too. :sigh: