I real...

I really, really can’t wait until later!! Annie is DEFINITELY goin’ to Fla w/me and I’m sooo hyper..I was talkin’ to Alicia a few days ago, and I was talkin’ reeeeeeeally fast…LoL… I’m soo happy fer once!! And Amber Behrendt is goin’ us too!! It’s gonna b sooooo much fun. I think my mom is gonna hate me AND them though. We’re gonna be really…REALLY loud, obnoxious, and annoying…LoL</p>I really wish Annie wouldn’t say she hates being compared to her “perfect friends”…we’re no different than she is. All of us have problems, too. Some of ours aren’t as…big…as hers. But, still. We have ‘em!! And as far as her comment about having a talent, she’s got lots of things she’s good at. She CAN sing. She CAN play soccer. She *is* a good poet. She can be so blind sometimes, and it bothers me every once in a while…me, on the other hand, there’s absolutely NO hope. I don’t even know WHY I try to sing. The keyword is try, btw…I just got dressed and everything…I just put together *the* cutest outfit on EARTH:o)-a tight gray Aéropostale shirt-faded AE jeans-a blue flame belt w/silver studs all around it-blue flame wallet(matches my belt…oOoOo)-Adidas shoes w/black stripes n rainbow laces…hehehe OMG I look so cute…and I NEVER, EVER say that, so…this must b umm…different. I can’t wait to get over to Annie’s and get a pic with her…I gotta get atleast ONE where we BOTH look cute…to put next to my bed when I move to Fla so I always remember who my true friend is…I need to do that fer Becky, Jeff, Alicia, Amber n Kara, too…I really, really don’t wanna move but I really have no choice anyway. No matter what happens or what I say, my mom isn’t gonna change her mind. It’s actually quite hopeless…but I don’t care…there’s nothing in the world that I could say or do to change her stupid ass mind. I hate the fact that she never really asks my opinion except when it’s about “what do you want to eat?” or something like that. It’s really…pointless to EVER ask me anything if that’s the ONLY thing she asks about. I hate my life. My dad and I will probably get in a fight when I get back from Fla bcuz he’s stupid like that and he’s prolly gonna pull some shit like he used to with my mom and throw our stuff out OR threaten to if we don’t come home “immediately”…how fuckin’ controlling can u possibly BE? If I find out he goes through ANY of my or her stuff, there WILL b violence. I can’t stand him and I will NOT take any of his stupid shit. I’m through with how he treats us. Especially how he treats her. She’s survived 20+ years of beating, yelling, screaming, everything…and I don’t want that for her. She’s worth so much more than that. I gotta go though…I need to eat still. Then brush my teeth…n then check to make sure I have EVERYTHING I need. I’ll write in my journal when I’m in Fla and I’ll type it all up when I get back!!

What the hell?...

What the hell? I found out earlier why Holly (HOLY HOLLY!) has been like, ignoring me. I got really...bitchy-complainy when I was runnin' to her after me and Annie had our lil "break up" and she got really sick of my whining and told me to shut up and I flipped cuz I have THE shortest temper on earth and take EVERYTHING tooooo seriously. So, she's just mainly been ignoring me and not answering or just signing off. And I've been left wondering "what the hell?" Ya knowz? </p>Annie called me earlier. Her mom started bitchin' again after like 5-10 minutes, so she had to go. I really hate that. Especially when I REALLY NEED to talk to her. But yeah, Annie's been obsessed/addicted to that one girl's diary lately. Hmm, I suppose I should tell you whose diary it is cuz I'm always like, "that one girl" and if I were reading this and just hearing “girl” I’d be highly annoyed. She’s hiddenscars. Quite…unique and different. I like her a lot; she’s cool. I wish I had more friends like her. As I said earlier, no one but the Others who have the problems and submit to Ana or Mia or cutting or poppin’ would understand. Hmm, I got this idea from Annie…time to go down my list of friends, and their problems…well, actually, a quick description of them all…Becky…She’s such a nice, caring, COOL girl, but she’s got a major, major insecurity issue. No matter how many compliments ANYONE gives her, she really never sees what they talk about, much like me and Annie. With E.D.’s in her past, cutting in the present, and drugs too, she might sound like a mess, but she really isn’t. The problems she does have barely lead to the cutting and everything like that. Actually, she hasn’t cut in a while…She’s quite…emotional too, like me and Annie…and she can tend to be a bit…difficult to deal with. I just recently realized I’m bi, and have a H U G E crush on her, not only for what’s on the outside, but mainly what’s on the inside. She has a BEAUTIFUL personality and I wish she would let people see it more often. I wish she would listen to me sometimes, like when I tell her how I feel bout her getting high and shit like that…I hate when she does it, but I tell everyone…I can only tell you how I feel about things, it’s your choice about what you end up doing. She’s also a GREAT dancer…Jeff…I feel so sorry for him. He tells me not to, but I can’t help it. His mom kicked him out for God only knows why and he has to live with his dad, not that it’s a big problem or deal or whatev but still. I heard she was like, screaming at him and everything and I just wish we were closer. I’m kinda mad at him…because rather than us going out, he compromised that we’d be friends, but he never really talks to me, and doesn’t call back..but I shouldn’t really bring that on/up right now. I see what’s happenin’ and decided to keep my big, annoying, loud ass mouth shut. I’ll admit I still like him n all, only as like…an attraction thing though. He’s a good person and all…caring, funny, cool and everything like that. He has an attitude, like most of my close friends do, and it’s probably something I should like, add to a list or something. I can see it now…”WANTED: Friend…Requirements: Mean, bitchy, bad attitude…” LoL I’m so stupid. He’s another really good dancer, I love seein’ him n Becky dance. :o)I’ll have to finish up the rest of my friends later, I gotta go…

I’m so...

I’m so bored…so I thought I’d write another entry. I called Annie earlier. Her mom started bitchin’ fer her to get off, so she had to go. I really wish Annie would stop with the whole insecurity stuff…even though I know we can’t stop each other, no matter how hard we try…because we’ll both do the same thing: tell each other to stop, but keep doing what we’re telling the other to not do. We’re really…difficult? There are SO many more words I could use, but I’d just rather keep it…simple. She read some girls diary from my list of favorites and now she’s getting ideas about Ana. I hate it. I always have to tell Becky things that I see, no matter how bitchy she gets with me. I could start screaming lies about everything I really like, but I’d be lying to myself too. So, I won’t…but still, Alicia says she got fat. I have to see that. She’s never been fat. Ever. Annie is complaining about being fat, and she knows she isn’t. Hell, I say I’m fat and I’m 5’5” and like…hang on lemme way myself again…110.5 lbs. I hate my body. I see only imperfections and my face, oh, I won’t start. Annie and I have generally the same body. Barely have asses, almost the same complexion, kinda the same face. And we think the same. No matter what, we don’t see the good things people say. It’s really weird. We’re both complimented all the time, but we never take those comments to heart. We ignore them all the time, and I think that’s mainly our biggest problem. I like it that way. That’s how it’s always gonna be anyway, so why not deal with it? I can’t force myself to see it. She can’t either. We think negatively and that’s just…what we do. She’s quoting things from that girl’s diary…and she gave me one that I really, really love….it SO is for us…</p>“It is impossible for me to remain happy, because I think entirely too much.”That’s so, so, so true for the both of us. And probably a lot of other people, too. Negativity is a way of life. It’s MY way of life. It’s like, a lifestyle. It’s actually like being bi. It’s listed under a lifestyle when you see it on websites like Yahoo! …so, wouldn’t negativity and suicide be under that, too? How about…cutters? And Anas? And Mias? And dopers? And everyone else? Those aren’t problems. They’re ways of life. Plain and simple…if anyone disagrees, they can kiss my small brown ass. O =) So many people sit there and act like they can understand what makes people do things like turn to Ana and Mia, or cutting, or popping. No one but the Others who do it can understand. That’s why there are the support groups out there for it. I haven’t really find any others that have problems like mine and do the things I do about them, besides Annie. That’s why we get along so well. And think, she came to Ohio in 3rd grade, and we hated each other and then in 4th grade, we started talking and look where we are now…That’s another reason I don’t wanna leave her. I can’t bear to think what she might do when I leave. I know that I’m not everything to her, and I know she might get along so much better without me, but still, she comes to me with problems, and tells me nearly EVERYTHING that goes on. I even talked her out of cutting deep last time, before our big “break up” I’m so glad she only cut a little bit, instead of totally slicing. I would’ve been devastated. I probably would’ve done the same. I think we’re both kinda over cutting though. I think our new thing is gonna be Ana. I couldn’t turn to Mia. Ever. I’d never be able to do that. Especially if I want to sing. Not that I think I can, because my voice is another one of the imperfections that come along with me, but I know Mia will totally screw up my vocal chords. So, I think that’ll be off my list of slow, dragged ways. There’s always sweet, wonderful Ana. I love it. So…easy. Plus, I think there’s less problems w/Ana….And I think I can cover it up as easy as anything else.