I’m so...

I’m so bored…so I thought I’d write another entry. I called Annie earlier. Her mom started bitchin’ fer her to get off, so she had to go. I really wish Annie would stop with the whole insecurity stuff…even though I know we can’t stop each other, no matter how hard we try…because we’ll both do the same thing: tell each other to stop, but keep doing what we’re telling the other to not do. We’re really…difficult? There are SO many more words I could use, but I’d just rather keep it…simple. She read some girls diary from my list of favorites and now she’s getting ideas about Ana. I hate it. I always have to tell Becky things that I see, no matter how bitchy she gets with me. I could start screaming lies about everything I really like, but I’d be lying to myself too. So, I won’t…but still, Alicia says she got fat. I have to see that. She’s never been fat. Ever. Annie is complaining about being fat, and she knows she isn’t. Hell, I say I’m fat and I’m 5’5” and like…hang on lemme way myself again…110.5 lbs. I hate my body. I see only imperfections and my face, oh, I won’t start. Annie and I have generally the same body. Barely have asses, almost the same complexion, kinda the same face. And we think the same. No matter what, we don’t see the good things people say. It’s really weird. We’re both complimented all the time, but we never take those comments to heart. We ignore them all the time, and I think that’s mainly our biggest problem. I like it that way. That’s how it’s always gonna be anyway, so why not deal with it? I can’t force myself to see it. She can’t either. We think negatively and that’s just…what we do. She’s quoting things from that girl’s diary…and she gave me one that I really, really love….it SO is for us…</p>“It is impossible for me to remain happy, because I think entirely too much.”That’s so, so, so true for the both of us. And probably a lot of other people, too. Negativity is a way of life. It’s MY way of life. It’s like, a lifestyle. It’s actually like being bi. It’s listed under a lifestyle when you see it on websites like Yahoo! …so, wouldn’t negativity and suicide be under that, too? How about…cutters? And Anas? And Mias? And dopers? And everyone else? Those aren’t problems. They’re ways of life. Plain and simple…if anyone disagrees, they can kiss my small brown ass. O =) So many people sit there and act like they can understand what makes people do things like turn to Ana and Mia, or cutting, or popping. No one but the Others who do it can understand. That’s why there are the support groups out there for it. I haven’t really find any others that have problems like mine and do the things I do about them, besides Annie. That’s why we get along so well. And think, she came to Ohio in 3rd grade, and we hated each other and then in 4th grade, we started talking and look where we are now…That’s another reason I don’t wanna leave her. I can’t bear to think what she might do when I leave. I know that I’m not everything to her, and I know she might get along so much better without me, but still, she comes to me with problems, and tells me nearly EVERYTHING that goes on. I even talked her out of cutting deep last time, before our big “break up” I’m so glad she only cut a little bit, instead of totally slicing. I would’ve been devastated. I probably would’ve done the same. I think we’re both kinda over cutting though. I think our new thing is gonna be Ana. I couldn’t turn to Mia. Ever. I’d never be able to do that. Especially if I want to sing. Not that I think I can, because my voice is another one of the imperfections that come along with me, but I know Mia will totally screw up my vocal chords. So, I think that’ll be off my list of slow, dragged ways. There’s always sweet, wonderful Ana. I love it. So…easy. Plus, I think there’s less problems w/Ana….And I think I can cover it up as easy as anything else.