Cumulative

Hey ya'llz! I really haven't updated in a while...but, I have been making entries almost every day...and saving them, so I can just add mass entries every once in a while...:o) Hey, don't complain either...IT'S SOMETHING! haha</p>4/7/02Well, looks like I'm totally screwed. My mom and I just got kicked out...and...well, I hate it. She said she's probably gonna move down there now, Aunt Dao said it's probably best since we have an opportunity now. Ya know what? SCREW OPPORTUNITY!! I better not leave before Becky gets back. I'll hate Mom forever. I really HAVE to see Becky before we leave. I'm gonna cry sooo hard. I know it. I'll miss them all. Especially Amber, Kara, Colie, Becky, and Jeff. Annie...I don't really know. I mean we're best friends and all...we know each other like...well, like we're the same person. And...just...yeah. 4/21/02-3:40PMI had such a good time last night...I was in a pair of shorts n a wife beater...but I was still reaaaally hot but it was toooo cold outside to go out n cool off, so I just...managed...Unfortunately. So anyway, yeah, I think Jeff is gonna be EXTREMELY pissed at me and/or Becky...we kinda went against what he asked us not to do...(even though I have no idea why he doesn't want us to do anything) Well anyway, last night, before she left er whatever, Jeff told Becky not to do anything(she didn't tell me this until today...a lil before he came over...) and well, we did. Nothing sexual or whatever, just a lot of dancing/flirting*cough...making out...cough* but still, it wasn't anything too major. So anyway, yeah, I danced wayyyy more this time...unlike the SHD, where I mainly sat on my ass for 2 reasons: 1) I didn't wanna look like a fool and 2) It was sooooo damn hot...But anyway, it was sooo fun, except, I'm just scared of how Jeff is gonna react to...well, what happened. I really didn't worry about it much at first, when Becky brought it up earlier, but...I actually thought about it and now I'm kinda concerned. It worries me a lot because I think he's gonna start trippin' out again...and she's gonna end up just deciding not to talk to me at all...Not that I think she'd do that...but if she doesn't do that, she might make the decision to just not do the whole no label but lotsa closeness thing. And another thing I don't wanna give up is like, even hugging her or givin her a quick kiss on the cheek if Jeff's around. I doubt it would come to that, but I'm just thinking of all the lil' negative things that could potentially happen. I'm really good at that, and right now...it's NOT a good quality. I just dunno where my blades are, sooo I guess it's a good thing. I can just type everything I'm feeling...and pound the keys as hard as I possibly can at any god damned time, to take out my anger/frustration. It's a lot better than cutting up my arms and being sent away or put in a shrinks office every fuckin day. There goes that god damned negative thinking again. Grr...Ohh, before I forget...I wrote a lil' e-mail to Becky just sayin' sorry and whatever...and kinda just sayin' exactly what I've said here...4/21/02-11:20PMoOoOo I'm still waiting for a response from Becky. She's probably with Jeff getting high...oh well...Anyway, yeah, after I was done swimming with Alison, Ruthie, and Andrew, I came back to the room and got into some dry clothes and got online...then Becky got online and was all like OMG! I'm goin' to the movies...TRY N GET UP THERE! But, don't tell Jeff I told you to, cuz he'll get mad! LOL So, yeah I tried to get up there, and finally got a ride...from my dad...lol. But yeah, my mom is bitchin'...she just got back from Alison's family's suite upstairs, so I gotta go..."DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!"4/22/02-6:00PMWell, it's totally outta the question for me and Becky to be together...*sigh* I hate this. I dunno if I should just give up now, and save myself problems...or hurt...and just, get over her and the whole situation...and move on and make myself open to whatever comes my way...oooor if I should keep trying to get her. I know my efforts won't work though, because of Jeff, and well, I would just be better off moving on. I mean, I was stuck on Jeff for 6 1/2 months after the whole thing went down with me n him n Becky, and I just don't wanna turn down people like I did those months after Jeff...it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to myself, so, I guess it's worth it to be back on the market...I'm probably just gonna stick to guys fer now though. The occasional gurl to do whatever with, but besides that, I'm stayin' away. MAYBE Alicia...IF she really likes me(she said something about liking me after I told her I lost it and it was really awkward, maybe...when she's allowed to talk on the phone again, I should ask her about it and really talk to her about the whole thing) I really gotta work on my jealousy issues though. It's really fuckin' hard sometimes...but, if I really wanna avoid anymore drama, I think it'd be best for not only me, but everyone else, to just...control the shit...and if I talk to Becky and she talks about some guy, just...talk to her and not be all zoned out and shit...And, it really shouldn't bother her that much when I talk about other people...cuz she seems fine with us not doing the closeness w/no labels thing...and just, yeah. It *IS* gonna be E X T R E M E L Y hard for me to do, because I actually liked the thought of being with her, and felt...well, I don't know the word for it, but I was happy when I was with Becky at the dance and tryin' to get the glowstick from her @ the dance. It's the little things like that that make me happy and make me regret the things I know I can't have. I wish I could just say these things to Becky, like, straight to her face, but I can't, and the thought of knowing what she could be thinking, so it's easier on myself to just have her read things so she gets a lil' feel of where I'm coming from/what I'm feeling.4/25/02-12:16AMI just got off the phone with Mark...*sigh* ah I REALLY like him...he's really cool:o) He goes to Southview, but he's not out at school, so, I can't really say anything to anyone about him. I gotta keep it a *shh* secret. He goes to RAY though, so I know I'll see him atleast once a week. I don't even know what I like so much about him either. It's just...HIM. I hate that...I >most of the time< like people and don't even know what I like about them. Hey, it's different with Becky, but ehh that's not happening, and it won't be happening either, so...screw that. There's A LOT of cuties @ RAY. OMG I was like, SO dying...er, drooling LoL. Jerome and Eddie like me...I don't like them though...they're just...weird. I hope they don't think I'm like racist or something, cuz they're both black and I just hope they don't take it the wrong way. I mean, hey, Mark is half black, half white, so it's not like...yeah. And I really don't know if Jordan and Mark are still together...so, that's something I'm gonna have to bring up. Jon brought it up in the car, when he was bringing me home, cuz I was talkin' 'bout allllllllll the hottiez LOL Let's see...a list...1) Mark...1/2 black, 1/2 white...tan...cutie, a lil taller than me...nice ass...really nice, thinks I'm cute...I think...and oOoOMG his chest is niiiiice...he used to have an ED...I think he said Ana...and he weighs like 129 because he's recovering, and hey, it's all good. ^_^2) Chris...oOoOo a mexican LOL...bleach blond hair, spiked...drove me to RAY, didn't really talk to him much but he is DAMN FYNE >_<3) Jon...I don't really think he's THAT hot, but I mean, there is a little something about him that just...draws me to him. I had the biggest urge to lay on him when Jim was driving us to James' place...he's 6'2...HUGE hands and feet -_^ LOL...He's really cute too, he walked in with Lisa and I was like aww he's cute4) Mark(ANOTHER ONE)...He's not THAT hot, but heyy lol...EH and he's Jon's b/f5) Ryan...aww he's soo...cute! He looked way preppy though...but a lot of the guys there looked/were...I'm gonna talk to him next week n find out more6) Ross...he's gotta man...>_< DAMN IT! He's SO cute...Jordan knows him...7) Tyler...Ross' man...>_< I hate this...LOL...OMG his eyes are...*sigh* AH i was hypnotized! LOL he talked to meeee!! :o)Anyway, yeah I was talkin' to Mark(#1) and I was like, yeah...the room was split it two...I should been in the middle, I felt outta place on that side of the room. n he was like no, no you belonged there:o) AHH! I really do hope I get someplace with him LOL He's so, OMG I don't even know how to explain it. I gotta write him a bunch of notes and give em alll to him on Wednesday next week. AH OMG I can't wait to see him. He MIGHT come to the party(Annie's b-day party) this Saturday...I really hope he does...hehe, we can go swimming...oOoOo omg I'll like, drown LMAO...So anyway, yeah I was supposed to get picked up @ 6 by Lisa. I waited forever and they finally came at like, 6:40 when I got sick of waiting for her and figured she wasn't coming...so, I went back to the room, grabbed the laptop, and sat down in the lobby, and was about to get online. Then, 2 totally cool lookin' ppl walked in, and SUPRISE!! They were there for meee!! Lisa, with her pink/blonde hair, PJ pants, and piercings...and Jon with his...tallness, wild hair, and just, CUTENESS LoL...Jon was like, Are you Mark?? n I was like UH HUH!!! so I ran back to the room, threw the laptop on my bed, grabbed my GAP sweatshirt and said BYE MOM!!...and we were off. I got in the car and was like...=O HOLY FUCK! LOL Chris...oOoOo i was like LORDY! LoL Yeah, they like, all smoked too. It didn't bother me--the windows were open. So yeah, it was a fun ride there LOL, they're soo funny n cool. I got there, said hi to Brenda, and went on in...I felt dumb just standing there, being new and all. Mark offered the seat next to him though!!:o) I was like WOO I hope that's Mark, then he said he was n I was like >_< GAWD (LoL) oooo Janet is on TV right now. It reminds me of Mark...LoL...if he's here Saturday I'm gonna b sooo happy, I don't give a fuck if people from school are here or not, I will do what the fuck ever I want. If I feel like kissin' him--GOD DAMN IT I WILL!! If they get disgusted, LEAVE!4/25/02-8:43AMYeah, anyway, I kinda fell asleep last night...so, I never really finished up my entry. About the whole If I feel like kissin' him thing, uhm, yeah that's only if it was like a...mutual thing. I'm not gonna like, jump on him and start like, totally making out with him...unless...EH I'll shut up LOL Anyway...yeah, I'm not going to school today because mama worked 3rd shift last night and she was tired...So, I woke up at 6:30 and then got in the shower...when she came home, she was like Do you wanna go to school? and I was like =O nope!! LoL Hey, I have to take advantage because...this won't happen again. So, yeah I'm just...sittin' on my ass until like, 10...when I gotta wake her up. I have an ortho appointment at 11:30 anyway...so, yeah I'd be outta school later anyway. 4/25/02-1:45PMI just started a load of laundry. I'm just...singing and being lazy. I think EVERYONE should own the 3LW CD...AHH I'm gonna go talk to Kenny...LOL I gotta clean too, so I'm gonna go prance around my house picking up and throwing away stuff...byez!