SOOOOOOO...

SOOOOOOOO bored. Becky keeps nagging me to update my journal...and since I can finally do it(I CAN get on the site), I will. I gotta add other stuff next time though cuz all the shit I typed up for entries is on our laptop, at the hotel room. You might be wondering what the hell I'm talking about with a hotel room and all. After all, I AM back from Spring Break. Well...when we got back, we stayed one more night at a hotel because it was around midnight and we didn't wanna piss Harold off by coming in all late and shit...So, the next morning, we walk in, and he starts asking her questions. Then, he tells her to get out. She protests, then finally shuts up and just...packs. She and I both figured it was meant for us both to get out, but today he told me I still have a place/room/whatever here and I'm allowed to come and go as I please. So anyway, I lived the last week in a hotel with her. We stayed for free at Alison Clark's mom's hotel all this last week...but she can't do that anymore, because a "big boss" is coming into town soon for inspections. So, we were planning on moving within the next 3 weeks to Florida. Early...really early. I was PISSED!! I was begging her to let me stay atleast until the 21st(after the lock in, Spring Fling, and my birthday) but...my god family convinced her it's not good to pull me out of school this late in the year and we're staying. They're going to pay for our hotel until we leave(June 15th)...and...yeah. We're gonna be staying in the Knight's Inn. I don't like it very much, but I'll keep my mouth shut because I think I should just be greatful that I can stay 'till summer!! So anyway...I just found the entry I wrote on Monday(April 8th)...</p>I can't believe this. I can tell Becky really didn't think about umm..."us"...while she was in Florida. It's really...well, depressing. She's not a virgin anymore. That doesn't bother me. What DOES bother me is that she lost it to...well, SOMEONE...She said she definately would be doing a lot of thinking on the way to Florida, and while she was there. I can probably just...assume she didn't. At all. I know I did. I didn't tell anyone what was on my mind, I didn't really write down any of my thoughts, either. I did wish on a star though. As stupid as it sounds/seems, I looked up at the sky one night when me, Annie, and Amber went for a walk on the beach and found the brightest star and wished that Becky DID think about us, and made the decision that was best for both of us. I guess I already know what her stupid fucking decision is. I really don't even know why I brought it up to her. I knew she'd probably do somethin like that anyway. I shoulda seen it. Especially with what she told me they'd done before, I really don't think I could've been anymore blind. I'm not really gonna do anything...drastic because of it. I just think I'll feel...awkward around them. I wonder if they're gonna like, go out now? I'm too...well...afraid to ask anyway. I think it's kinda since I really...DON'T wanna know. But then again, I do. I mean, I'm not a virgin anymore, as of today, but still...I really think it doesn't have any affect on her. Probably could care less anyway. I told her I didn't use protection, she didn't yell at me or anything. As I said, probably doesn't care anyway. I don't care if I get anythin either. If he's gotta STD or AIDS/HIV whatever, then I guess it's my fault. I deserve it anyway. Maybe I'll die sooner than people normally do when they have AIDS. Maybe it'll kill me really fast and I don't have to deal with any stupid shit. I can guarantee no one'll care. Well, MAYBE Amber n Kara. Annie certainly won't. Becky, I don't really know about. And...anyone else...who gives a fuck? Jeff, I KNOW damn good and well he doesn't. I know A LOT of people wish I was dead already anyway...might as well make their wish come true. I think I'm kind of...umm...through with the whole suicidal stages. But who really does know when you're through with that stuff? I know something will set me off again and it'll start back up. I probably sound like I'm whining and shit like that...but still. Oh, and I'm not gonna say who I lost it to...cuz...well, 1) Becky might read this and 2) I don't want everyone knowing. I'm only gonna tell a couple people..and I doubt I'll tell Annie who it is. I doubt I'll tell Amber or Kara either. And if I tell Colie, almost guaranteed she'll tell Amber n Kara. I guess I can't really tell anyone. Maybe I SHOULD go back to cutting. I know I'm gonna say something in my sleep. My mom WILL find out. She WILL be pissed. I WILL be in trouble. Oh well. If it becomes too much to handle, I'll just...end it I guess.OOOK...well, Becky just told me she actually WAS considering us...until I told her I lost it. How fucking sad. It's like, oooh yeah, I can lose mine but oh shit you ain't a virgin...HOW FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL!! That's so...WRONG. I would NEVER, EVER do that to ANYONE. I bet you it's because I told her I didn't use protection. And even if it isn't, there HAS to be SOME good reason. I don't even think I should cry over any of this shit. After all, it *is* her decisions that are being made. I have no role really in any of it. Except, a small little role. I'm the subject of these decisions...that's it. I have no influence on her choices. I'm just...the "thing" the choices are being made about. I guess that's how I should look at myself from now on. A thing. An object. When you really think about it, that's all anyone really is. And if we had prices, I'd be cheap or free. I'm worthless. So many other people could be worth sooo much more. And I can see people walking around with their little price tags dangling off of their necks right now. Such a vivid imagination. To picture everyone I know with a price tag. And the price. Even people I don't know could be worth so much more. Like the lady(Sabrina) I met at the beach party...(I'll explain the party bit later)...honestly, she looked like a drunk, cheap whore. Then, even though she was drunk, she talked to me and Annie and I realized she is a much better person than she appears. It's really a weird thing. The "beautiful people" are stuck up, closed-minded, mean, and rude...while the...umm...average people are...really the beautiful ones.Yeah Monday was kind of...a...umm...suprising day. I've been really tired all week though. So, after all that shit happened, I fell asleep...I've been doing A LOT of sleeping this week too...I wonder if I'm the only one that's been living dead all week?oOoOoh reason to be haaaaaaaaaaappy!:o)After I told Becky that I'm not moving until the summer, she's kinda hadda lil' change of heart n we might go out...I'm really hoping she's not still stuck on/scared that I'll leave her for some guy. We WERE supposed to be together practically all night tonight at the lock in...but...yeah, Mr. Burden is being an ass and told Becky she can't go because it wouldn't be fair to the other people he said no to...so, since she isn't going, I'm not. And, she's going to a party tonight at Jaime's soooo...we can't do anything this weekend and I'm stuck waiting around until next weekend to see her. That's really the only thing I'm pissed about...I KNOW I need to go to the mall either tomorrow or Tuesday...or atleast before I see Becky because I gotta get her something for her birthday...I gotta put some thought to it actually.