Cumulative

Hey ya'llz! I really haven't updated in a while...but, I have been making entries almost every day...and saving them, so I can just add mass entries every once in a while...:o) Hey, don't complain either...IT'S SOMETHING! haha</p>4/7/02Well, looks like I'm totally screwed. My mom and I just got kicked out...and...well, I hate it. She said she's probably gonna move down there now, Aunt Dao said it's probably best since we have an opportunity now. Ya know what? SCREW OPPORTUNITY!! I better not leave before Becky gets back. I'll hate Mom forever. I really HAVE to see Becky before we leave. I'm gonna cry sooo hard. I know it. I'll miss them all. Especially Amber, Kara, Colie, Becky, and Jeff. Annie...I don't really know. I mean we're best friends and all...we know each other like...well, like we're the same person. And...just...yeah. 4/21/02-3:40PMI had such a good time last night...I was in a pair of shorts n a wife beater...but I was still reaaaally hot but it was toooo cold outside to go out n cool off, so I just...managed...Unfortunately. So anyway, yeah, I think Jeff is gonna be EXTREMELY pissed at me and/or Becky...we kinda went against what he asked us not to do...(even though I have no idea why he doesn't want us to do anything) Well anyway, last night, before she left er whatever, Jeff told Becky not to do anything(she didn't tell me this until today...a lil before he came over...) and well, we did. Nothing sexual or whatever, just a lot of dancing/flirting*cough...making out...cough* but still, it wasn't anything too major. So anyway, yeah, I danced wayyyy more this time...unlike the SHD, where I mainly sat on my ass for 2 reasons: 1) I didn't wanna look like a fool and 2) It was sooooo damn hot...But anyway, it was sooo fun, except, I'm just scared of how Jeff is gonna react to...well, what happened. I really didn't worry about it much at first, when Becky brought it up earlier, but...I actually thought about it and now I'm kinda concerned. It worries me a lot because I think he's gonna start trippin' out again...and she's gonna end up just deciding not to talk to me at all...Not that I think she'd do that...but if she doesn't do that, she might make the decision to just not do the whole no label but lotsa closeness thing. And another thing I don't wanna give up is like, even hugging her or givin her a quick kiss on the cheek if Jeff's around. I doubt it would come to that, but I'm just thinking of all the lil' negative things that could potentially happen. I'm really good at that, and right now...it's NOT a good quality. I just dunno where my blades are, sooo I guess it's a good thing. I can just type everything I'm feeling...and pound the keys as hard as I possibly can at any god damned time, to take out my anger/frustration. It's a lot better than cutting up my arms and being sent away or put in a shrinks office every fuckin day. There goes that god damned negative thinking again. Grr...Ohh, before I forget...I wrote a lil' e-mail to Becky just sayin' sorry and whatever...and kinda just sayin' exactly what I've said here...4/21/02-11:20PMoOoOo I'm still waiting for a response from Becky. She's probably with Jeff getting high...oh well...Anyway, yeah, after I was done swimming with Alison, Ruthie, and Andrew, I came back to the room and got into some dry clothes and got online...then Becky got online and was all like OMG! I'm goin' to the movies...TRY N GET UP THERE! But, don't tell Jeff I told you to, cuz he'll get mad! LOL So, yeah I tried to get up there, and finally got a ride...from my dad...lol. But yeah, my mom is bitchin'...she just got back from Alison's family's suite upstairs, so I gotta go..."DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!"4/22/02-6:00PMWell, it's totally outta the question for me and Becky to be together...*sigh* I hate this. I dunno if I should just give up now, and save myself problems...or hurt...and just, get over her and the whole situation...and move on and make myself open to whatever comes my way...oooor if I should keep trying to get her. I know my efforts won't work though, because of Jeff, and well, I would just be better off moving on. I mean, I was stuck on Jeff for 6 1/2 months after the whole thing went down with me n him n Becky, and I just don't wanna turn down people like I did those months after Jeff...it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to myself, so, I guess it's worth it to be back on the market...I'm probably just gonna stick to guys fer now though. The occasional gurl to do whatever with, but besides that, I'm stayin' away. MAYBE Alicia...IF she really likes me(she said something about liking me after I told her I lost it and it was really awkward, maybe...when she's allowed to talk on the phone again, I should ask her about it and really talk to her about the whole thing) I really gotta work on my jealousy issues though. It's really fuckin' hard sometimes...but, if I really wanna avoid anymore drama, I think it'd be best for not only me, but everyone else, to just...control the shit...and if I talk to Becky and she talks about some guy, just...talk to her and not be all zoned out and shit...And, it really shouldn't bother her that much when I talk about other people...cuz she seems fine with us not doing the closeness w/no labels thing...and just, yeah. It *IS* gonna be E X T R E M E L Y hard for me to do, because I actually liked the thought of being with her, and felt...well, I don't know the word for it, but I was happy when I was with Becky at the dance and tryin' to get the glowstick from her @ the dance. It's the little things like that that make me happy and make me regret the things I know I can't have. I wish I could just say these things to Becky, like, straight to her face, but I can't, and the thought of knowing what she could be thinking, so it's easier on myself to just have her read things so she gets a lil' feel of where I'm coming from/what I'm feeling.4/25/02-12:16AMI just got off the phone with Mark...*sigh* ah I REALLY like him...he's really cool:o) He goes to Southview, but he's not out at school, so, I can't really say anything to anyone about him. I gotta keep it a *shh* secret. He goes to RAY though, so I know I'll see him atleast once a week. I don't even know what I like so much about him either. It's just...HIM. I hate that...I >most of the time< like people and don't even know what I like about them. Hey, it's different with Becky, but ehh that's not happening, and it won't be happening either, so...screw that. There's A LOT of cuties @ RAY. OMG I was like, SO dying...er, drooling LoL. Jerome and Eddie like me...I don't like them though...they're just...weird. I hope they don't think I'm like racist or something, cuz they're both black and I just hope they don't take it the wrong way. I mean, hey, Mark is half black, half white, so it's not like...yeah. And I really don't know if Jordan and Mark are still together...so, that's something I'm gonna have to bring up. Jon brought it up in the car, when he was bringing me home, cuz I was talkin' 'bout allllllllll the hottiez LOL Let's see...a list...1) Mark...1/2 black, 1/2 white...tan...cutie, a lil taller than me...nice ass...really nice, thinks I'm cute...I think...and oOoOMG his chest is niiiiice...he used to have an ED...I think he said Ana...and he weighs like 129 because he's recovering, and hey, it's all good. ^_^2) Chris...oOoOo a mexican LOL...bleach blond hair, spiked...drove me to RAY, didn't really talk to him much but he is DAMN FYNE >_<3) Jon...I don't really think he's THAT hot, but I mean, there is a little something about him that just...draws me to him. I had the biggest urge to lay on him when Jim was driving us to James' place...he's 6'2...HUGE hands and feet -_^ LOL...He's really cute too, he walked in with Lisa and I was like aww he's cute4) Mark(ANOTHER ONE)...He's not THAT hot, but heyy lol...EH and he's Jon's b/f5) Ryan...aww he's soo...cute! He looked way preppy though...but a lot of the guys there looked/were...I'm gonna talk to him next week n find out more6) Ross...he's gotta man...>_< DAMN IT! He's SO cute...Jordan knows him...7) Tyler...Ross' man...>_< I hate this...LOL...OMG his eyes are...*sigh* AH i was hypnotized! LOL he talked to meeee!! :o)Anyway, yeah I was talkin' to Mark(#1) and I was like, yeah...the room was split it two...I should been in the middle, I felt outta place on that side of the room. n he was like no, no you belonged there:o) AHH! I really do hope I get someplace with him LOL He's so, OMG I don't even know how to explain it. I gotta write him a bunch of notes and give em alll to him on Wednesday next week. AH OMG I can't wait to see him. He MIGHT come to the party(Annie's b-day party) this Saturday...I really hope he does...hehe, we can go swimming...oOoOo omg I'll like, drown LMAO...So anyway, yeah I was supposed to get picked up @ 6 by Lisa. I waited forever and they finally came at like, 6:40 when I got sick of waiting for her and figured she wasn't coming...so, I went back to the room, grabbed the laptop, and sat down in the lobby, and was about to get online. Then, 2 totally cool lookin' ppl walked in, and SUPRISE!! They were there for meee!! Lisa, with her pink/blonde hair, PJ pants, and piercings...and Jon with his...tallness, wild hair, and just, CUTENESS LoL...Jon was like, Are you Mark?? n I was like UH HUH!!! so I ran back to the room, threw the laptop on my bed, grabbed my GAP sweatshirt and said BYE MOM!!...and we were off. I got in the car and was like...=O HOLY FUCK! LOL Chris...oOoOo i was like LORDY! LoL Yeah, they like, all smoked too. It didn't bother me--the windows were open. So yeah, it was a fun ride there LOL, they're soo funny n cool. I got there, said hi to Brenda, and went on in...I felt dumb just standing there, being new and all. Mark offered the seat next to him though!!:o) I was like WOO I hope that's Mark, then he said he was n I was like >_< GAWD (LoL) oooo Janet is on TV right now. It reminds me of Mark...LoL...if he's here Saturday I'm gonna b sooo happy, I don't give a fuck if people from school are here or not, I will do what the fuck ever I want. If I feel like kissin' him--GOD DAMN IT I WILL!! If they get disgusted, LEAVE!4/25/02-8:43AMYeah, anyway, I kinda fell asleep last night...so, I never really finished up my entry. About the whole If I feel like kissin' him thing, uhm, yeah that's only if it was like a...mutual thing. I'm not gonna like, jump on him and start like, totally making out with him...unless...EH I'll shut up LOL Anyway...yeah, I'm not going to school today because mama worked 3rd shift last night and she was tired...So, I woke up at 6:30 and then got in the shower...when she came home, she was like Do you wanna go to school? and I was like =O nope!! LoL Hey, I have to take advantage because...this won't happen again. So, yeah I'm just...sittin' on my ass until like, 10...when I gotta wake her up. I have an ortho appointment at 11:30 anyway...so, yeah I'd be outta school later anyway. 4/25/02-1:45PMI just started a load of laundry. I'm just...singing and being lazy. I think EVERYONE should own the 3LW CD...AHH I'm gonna go talk to Kenny...LOL I gotta clean too, so I'm gonna go prance around my house picking up and throwing away stuff...byez!

SOOOOOOO...

SOOOOOOOO bored. Becky keeps nagging me to update my journal...and since I can finally do it(I CAN get on the site), I will. I gotta add other stuff next time though cuz all the shit I typed up for entries is on our laptop, at the hotel room. You might be wondering what the hell I'm talking about with a hotel room and all. After all, I AM back from Spring Break. Well...when we got back, we stayed one more night at a hotel because it was around midnight and we didn't wanna piss Harold off by coming in all late and shit...So, the next morning, we walk in, and he starts asking her questions. Then, he tells her to get out. She protests, then finally shuts up and just...packs. She and I both figured it was meant for us both to get out, but today he told me I still have a place/room/whatever here and I'm allowed to come and go as I please. So anyway, I lived the last week in a hotel with her. We stayed for free at Alison Clark's mom's hotel all this last week...but she can't do that anymore, because a "big boss" is coming into town soon for inspections. So, we were planning on moving within the next 3 weeks to Florida. Early...really early. I was PISSED!! I was begging her to let me stay atleast until the 21st(after the lock in, Spring Fling, and my birthday) but...my god family convinced her it's not good to pull me out of school this late in the year and we're staying. They're going to pay for our hotel until we leave(June 15th)...and...yeah. We're gonna be staying in the Knight's Inn. I don't like it very much, but I'll keep my mouth shut because I think I should just be greatful that I can stay 'till summer!! So anyway...I just found the entry I wrote on Monday(April 8th)...</p>I can't believe this. I can tell Becky really didn't think about umm..."us"...while she was in Florida. It's really...well, depressing. She's not a virgin anymore. That doesn't bother me. What DOES bother me is that she lost it to...well, SOMEONE...She said she definately would be doing a lot of thinking on the way to Florida, and while she was there. I can probably just...assume she didn't. At all. I know I did. I didn't tell anyone what was on my mind, I didn't really write down any of my thoughts, either. I did wish on a star though. As stupid as it sounds/seems, I looked up at the sky one night when me, Annie, and Amber went for a walk on the beach and found the brightest star and wished that Becky DID think about us, and made the decision that was best for both of us. I guess I already know what her stupid fucking decision is. I really don't even know why I brought it up to her. I knew she'd probably do somethin like that anyway. I shoulda seen it. Especially with what she told me they'd done before, I really don't think I could've been anymore blind. I'm not really gonna do anything...drastic because of it. I just think I'll feel...awkward around them. I wonder if they're gonna like, go out now? I'm too...well...afraid to ask anyway. I think it's kinda since I really...DON'T wanna know. But then again, I do. I mean, I'm not a virgin anymore, as of today, but still...I really think it doesn't have any affect on her. Probably could care less anyway. I told her I didn't use protection, she didn't yell at me or anything. As I said, probably doesn't care anyway. I don't care if I get anythin either. If he's gotta STD or AIDS/HIV whatever, then I guess it's my fault. I deserve it anyway. Maybe I'll die sooner than people normally do when they have AIDS. Maybe it'll kill me really fast and I don't have to deal with any stupid shit. I can guarantee no one'll care. Well, MAYBE Amber n Kara. Annie certainly won't. Becky, I don't really know about. And...anyone else...who gives a fuck? Jeff, I KNOW damn good and well he doesn't. I know A LOT of people wish I was dead already anyway...might as well make their wish come true. I think I'm kind of...umm...through with the whole suicidal stages. But who really does know when you're through with that stuff? I know something will set me off again and it'll start back up. I probably sound like I'm whining and shit like that...but still. Oh, and I'm not gonna say who I lost it to...cuz...well, 1) Becky might read this and 2) I don't want everyone knowing. I'm only gonna tell a couple people..and I doubt I'll tell Annie who it is. I doubt I'll tell Amber or Kara either. And if I tell Colie, almost guaranteed she'll tell Amber n Kara. I guess I can't really tell anyone. Maybe I SHOULD go back to cutting. I know I'm gonna say something in my sleep. My mom WILL find out. She WILL be pissed. I WILL be in trouble. Oh well. If it becomes too much to handle, I'll just...end it I guess.OOOK...well, Becky just told me she actually WAS considering us...until I told her I lost it. How fucking sad. It's like, oooh yeah, I can lose mine but oh shit you ain't a virgin...HOW FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL!! That's so...WRONG. I would NEVER, EVER do that to ANYONE. I bet you it's because I told her I didn't use protection. And even if it isn't, there HAS to be SOME good reason. I don't even think I should cry over any of this shit. After all, it *is* her decisions that are being made. I have no role really in any of it. Except, a small little role. I'm the subject of these decisions...that's it. I have no influence on her choices. I'm just...the "thing" the choices are being made about. I guess that's how I should look at myself from now on. A thing. An object. When you really think about it, that's all anyone really is. And if we had prices, I'd be cheap or free. I'm worthless. So many other people could be worth sooo much more. And I can see people walking around with their little price tags dangling off of their necks right now. Such a vivid imagination. To picture everyone I know with a price tag. And the price. Even people I don't know could be worth so much more. Like the lady(Sabrina) I met at the beach party...(I'll explain the party bit later)...honestly, she looked like a drunk, cheap whore. Then, even though she was drunk, she talked to me and Annie and I realized she is a much better person than she appears. It's really a weird thing. The "beautiful people" are stuck up, closed-minded, mean, and rude...while the...umm...average people are...really the beautiful ones.Yeah Monday was kind of...a...umm...suprising day. I've been really tired all week though. So, after all that shit happened, I fell asleep...I've been doing A LOT of sleeping this week too...I wonder if I'm the only one that's been living dead all week?oOoOoh reason to be haaaaaaaaaaappy!:o)After I told Becky that I'm not moving until the summer, she's kinda hadda lil' change of heart n we might go out...I'm really hoping she's not still stuck on/scared that I'll leave her for some guy. We WERE supposed to be together practically all night tonight at the lock in...but...yeah, Mr. Burden is being an ass and told Becky she can't go because it wouldn't be fair to the other people he said no to...so, since she isn't going, I'm not. And, she's going to a party tonight at Jaime's soooo...we can't do anything this weekend and I'm stuck waiting around until next weekend to see her. That's really the only thing I'm pissed about...I KNOW I need to go to the mall either tomorrow or Tuesday...or atleast before I see Becky because I gotta get her something for her birthday...I gotta put some thought to it actually.

I real...

I really, really can’t wait until later!! Annie is DEFINITELY goin’ to Fla w/me and I’m sooo hyper..I was talkin’ to Alicia a few days ago, and I was talkin’ reeeeeeeally fast…LoL… I’m soo happy fer once!! And Amber Behrendt is goin’ us too!! It’s gonna b sooooo much fun. I think my mom is gonna hate me AND them though. We’re gonna be really…REALLY loud, obnoxious, and annoying…LoL</p>I really wish Annie wouldn’t say she hates being compared to her “perfect friends”…we’re no different than she is. All of us have problems, too. Some of ours aren’t as…big…as hers. But, still. We have ‘em!! And as far as her comment about having a talent, she’s got lots of things she’s good at. She CAN sing. She CAN play soccer. She *is* a good poet. She can be so blind sometimes, and it bothers me every once in a while…me, on the other hand, there’s absolutely NO hope. I don’t even know WHY I try to sing. The keyword is try, btw…I just got dressed and everything…I just put together *the* cutest outfit on EARTH:o)-a tight gray Aéropostale shirt-faded AE jeans-a blue flame belt w/silver studs all around it-blue flame wallet(matches my belt…oOoOo)-Adidas shoes w/black stripes n rainbow laces…hehehe OMG I look so cute…and I NEVER, EVER say that, so…this must b umm…different. I can’t wait to get over to Annie’s and get a pic with her…I gotta get atleast ONE where we BOTH look cute…to put next to my bed when I move to Fla so I always remember who my true friend is…I need to do that fer Becky, Jeff, Alicia, Amber n Kara, too…I really, really don’t wanna move but I really have no choice anyway. No matter what happens or what I say, my mom isn’t gonna change her mind. It’s actually quite hopeless…but I don’t care…there’s nothing in the world that I could say or do to change her stupid ass mind. I hate the fact that she never really asks my opinion except when it’s about “what do you want to eat?” or something like that. It’s really…pointless to EVER ask me anything if that’s the ONLY thing she asks about. I hate my life. My dad and I will probably get in a fight when I get back from Fla bcuz he’s stupid like that and he’s prolly gonna pull some shit like he used to with my mom and throw our stuff out OR threaten to if we don’t come home “immediately”…how fuckin’ controlling can u possibly BE? If I find out he goes through ANY of my or her stuff, there WILL b violence. I can’t stand him and I will NOT take any of his stupid shit. I’m through with how he treats us. Especially how he treats her. She’s survived 20+ years of beating, yelling, screaming, everything…and I don’t want that for her. She’s worth so much more than that. I gotta go though…I need to eat still. Then brush my teeth…n then check to make sure I have EVERYTHING I need. I’ll write in my journal when I’m in Fla and I’ll type it all up when I get back!!

What the hell?...

What the hell? I found out earlier why Holly (HOLY HOLLY!) has been like, ignoring me. I got really...bitchy-complainy when I was runnin' to her after me and Annie had our lil "break up" and she got really sick of my whining and told me to shut up and I flipped cuz I have THE shortest temper on earth and take EVERYTHING tooooo seriously. So, she's just mainly been ignoring me and not answering or just signing off. And I've been left wondering "what the hell?" Ya knowz? </p>Annie called me earlier. Her mom started bitchin' again after like 5-10 minutes, so she had to go. I really hate that. Especially when I REALLY NEED to talk to her. But yeah, Annie's been obsessed/addicted to that one girl's diary lately. Hmm, I suppose I should tell you whose diary it is cuz I'm always like, "that one girl" and if I were reading this and just hearing “girl” I’d be highly annoyed. She’s hiddenscars. Quite…unique and different. I like her a lot; she’s cool. I wish I had more friends like her. As I said earlier, no one but the Others who have the problems and submit to Ana or Mia or cutting or poppin’ would understand. Hmm, I got this idea from Annie…time to go down my list of friends, and their problems…well, actually, a quick description of them all…Becky…She’s such a nice, caring, COOL girl, but she’s got a major, major insecurity issue. No matter how many compliments ANYONE gives her, she really never sees what they talk about, much like me and Annie. With E.D.’s in her past, cutting in the present, and drugs too, she might sound like a mess, but she really isn’t. The problems she does have barely lead to the cutting and everything like that. Actually, she hasn’t cut in a while…She’s quite…emotional too, like me and Annie…and she can tend to be a bit…difficult to deal with. I just recently realized I’m bi, and have a H U G E crush on her, not only for what’s on the outside, but mainly what’s on the inside. She has a BEAUTIFUL personality and I wish she would let people see it more often. I wish she would listen to me sometimes, like when I tell her how I feel bout her getting high and shit like that…I hate when she does it, but I tell everyone…I can only tell you how I feel about things, it’s your choice about what you end up doing. She’s also a GREAT dancer…Jeff…I feel so sorry for him. He tells me not to, but I can’t help it. His mom kicked him out for God only knows why and he has to live with his dad, not that it’s a big problem or deal or whatev but still. I heard she was like, screaming at him and everything and I just wish we were closer. I’m kinda mad at him…because rather than us going out, he compromised that we’d be friends, but he never really talks to me, and doesn’t call back..but I shouldn’t really bring that on/up right now. I see what’s happenin’ and decided to keep my big, annoying, loud ass mouth shut. I’ll admit I still like him n all, only as like…an attraction thing though. He’s a good person and all…caring, funny, cool and everything like that. He has an attitude, like most of my close friends do, and it’s probably something I should like, add to a list or something. I can see it now…”WANTED: Friend…Requirements: Mean, bitchy, bad attitude…” LoL I’m so stupid. He’s another really good dancer, I love seein’ him n Becky dance. :o)I’ll have to finish up the rest of my friends later, I gotta go…

I’m so...

I’m so bored…so I thought I’d write another entry. I called Annie earlier. Her mom started bitchin’ fer her to get off, so she had to go. I really wish Annie would stop with the whole insecurity stuff…even though I know we can’t stop each other, no matter how hard we try…because we’ll both do the same thing: tell each other to stop, but keep doing what we’re telling the other to not do. We’re really…difficult? There are SO many more words I could use, but I’d just rather keep it…simple. She read some girls diary from my list of favorites and now she’s getting ideas about Ana. I hate it. I always have to tell Becky things that I see, no matter how bitchy she gets with me. I could start screaming lies about everything I really like, but I’d be lying to myself too. So, I won’t…but still, Alicia says she got fat. I have to see that. She’s never been fat. Ever. Annie is complaining about being fat, and she knows she isn’t. Hell, I say I’m fat and I’m 5’5” and like…hang on lemme way myself again…110.5 lbs. I hate my body. I see only imperfections and my face, oh, I won’t start. Annie and I have generally the same body. Barely have asses, almost the same complexion, kinda the same face. And we think the same. No matter what, we don’t see the good things people say. It’s really weird. We’re both complimented all the time, but we never take those comments to heart. We ignore them all the time, and I think that’s mainly our biggest problem. I like it that way. That’s how it’s always gonna be anyway, so why not deal with it? I can’t force myself to see it. She can’t either. We think negatively and that’s just…what we do. She’s quoting things from that girl’s diary…and she gave me one that I really, really love….it SO is for us…</p>“It is impossible for me to remain happy, because I think entirely too much.”That’s so, so, so true for the both of us. And probably a lot of other people, too. Negativity is a way of life. It’s MY way of life. It’s like, a lifestyle. It’s actually like being bi. It’s listed under a lifestyle when you see it on websites like Yahoo! …so, wouldn’t negativity and suicide be under that, too? How about…cutters? And Anas? And Mias? And dopers? And everyone else? Those aren’t problems. They’re ways of life. Plain and simple…if anyone disagrees, they can kiss my small brown ass. O =) So many people sit there and act like they can understand what makes people do things like turn to Ana and Mia, or cutting, or popping. No one but the Others who do it can understand. That’s why there are the support groups out there for it. I haven’t really find any others that have problems like mine and do the things I do about them, besides Annie. That’s why we get along so well. And think, she came to Ohio in 3rd grade, and we hated each other and then in 4th grade, we started talking and look where we are now…That’s another reason I don’t wanna leave her. I can’t bear to think what she might do when I leave. I know that I’m not everything to her, and I know she might get along so much better without me, but still, she comes to me with problems, and tells me nearly EVERYTHING that goes on. I even talked her out of cutting deep last time, before our big “break up” I’m so glad she only cut a little bit, instead of totally slicing. I would’ve been devastated. I probably would’ve done the same. I think we’re both kinda over cutting though. I think our new thing is gonna be Ana. I couldn’t turn to Mia. Ever. I’d never be able to do that. Especially if I want to sing. Not that I think I can, because my voice is another one of the imperfections that come along with me, but I know Mia will totally screw up my vocal chords. So, I think that’ll be off my list of slow, dragged ways. There’s always sweet, wonderful Ana. I love it. So…easy. Plus, I think there’s less problems w/Ana….And I think I can cover it up as easy as anything else.

I never kne...

I never knew...Annie's mom used to beat her. How could I've been so blind? I noticed it in Becky, the one, single time her step dad hit her. But, I could hear it in her voice, and she was over at her sister's. I've known Annie for 4 whole years and I still didn't know until today. I hate that about her. She puts on an act that she's soooo sooo strong and can face anything when she knows she wants to break down and cry and sob and let it all out. I mean, she only shows 4 main emotions at school: happy, hyper, depressed, and pissed. The same with me, which is why I told Enrique we're practically twins, well, CLONES. Aside from gender, we're practically the same. Looks, personality, it's almost the same. Well, she has her deep love for soccer. She's actually really athletic compared to me. A lot stronger too. And we have almost the same insecurities. </p>I guess I'm quite lucky, not ever having to go through the beating thing with my mom. She only really hit me when I yelled back at her, or I really pissed her off. And the only thing it every really was was a spanking, or slap across the face. It's quite suprising. I just thought about it and...it's really a miracle she never beat me. I've done so much to piss her off; been annoying, broke her rules, never really listened...and my "step dad" used to beat her. Wouldn't she ever have the slightest urge to take it out on me??

No school agai...

No school again!! I'm sooo happy. Me n Annie are gonna go shovel some more driveways to get some money today. And Alicia is gonna try to get her mama to pick me up so we can go shopping.</p>Friends. The only thing I can REALLY be happy about. Well, I can be happy about music too. But still...It's kinda sad that I can never be happy with my parents. Or homelife...or ANYTHING else. I used to think getting an A on something at school was THE BEST. It's nothing anymore. Nothing at all. Getting a B, C, D, or F is nothing either. I could careless what the hell my grades are; my mom does though. Probably to make her look good. She never really cares what I think. It's always, "Mark, don't get in trouble this year ok?" and when I do, I'm like THE absolute WORST kid. Which I am, I don't see why she fought to keep me when the government was trying to take me away. I'm one of THE biggest problems in her life, and she knows it. She won't admit it to herself, but she knows it. I hate it so much. Everything I do is in order to make her look sooooo good. And when I say I'm stupid, I get yelled at, and she always makes a point that I have to prove that I'm better than everyone else, because most of the white people around here think they reign supremely. So, it's always "Asians are better at this...and this...and this and this and this...blah blah blah" It gets sooo old.So anyway, my mom came in and woke me up today at 6. I turned the channel on my TV to the news, sat up, and watched (impatiently) for Springfield to roll across the screen. When it did, I jumped out of bed, ran out to the living room and SCREAMED the news. The rents weren't very...enthused. Oh well, fuck them!! Then my mom wanted me to start her car...so I got dressed, ran outside, and started it. When she was about to leave, she made a big huge deal about me not cleaning off her car. But after she walked out, I looked out the window--and most of the snow was melted off. I was SO pissed. She always finds those little things to yell at me for. I can never do anything right...