I never kne...

I never knew...Annie's mom used to beat her. How could I've been so blind? I noticed it in Becky, the one, single time her step dad hit her. But, I could hear it in her voice, and she was over at her sister's. I've known Annie for 4 whole years and I still didn't know until today. I hate that about her. She puts on an act that she's soooo sooo strong and can face anything when she knows she wants to break down and cry and sob and let it all out. I mean, she only shows 4 main emotions at school: happy, hyper, depressed, and pissed. The same with me, which is why I told Enrique we're practically twins, well, CLONES. Aside from gender, we're practically the same. Looks, personality, it's almost the same. Well, she has her deep love for soccer. She's actually really athletic compared to me. A lot stronger too. And we have almost the same insecurities. </p>I guess I'm quite lucky, not ever having to go through the beating thing with my mom. She only really hit me when I yelled back at her, or I really pissed her off. And the only thing it every really was was a spanking, or slap across the face. It's quite suprising. I just thought about it and...it's really a miracle she never beat me. I've done so much to piss her off; been annoying, broke her rules, never really listened...and my "step dad" used to beat her. Wouldn't she ever have the slightest urge to take it out on me??

No school agai...

No school again!! I'm sooo happy. Me n Annie are gonna go shovel some more driveways to get some money today. And Alicia is gonna try to get her mama to pick me up so we can go shopping.</p>Friends. The only thing I can REALLY be happy about. Well, I can be happy about music too. But still...It's kinda sad that I can never be happy with my parents. Or homelife...or ANYTHING else. I used to think getting an A on something at school was THE BEST. It's nothing anymore. Nothing at all. Getting a B, C, D, or F is nothing either. I could careless what the hell my grades are; my mom does though. Probably to make her look good. She never really cares what I think. It's always, "Mark, don't get in trouble this year ok?" and when I do, I'm like THE absolute WORST kid. Which I am, I don't see why she fought to keep me when the government was trying to take me away. I'm one of THE biggest problems in her life, and she knows it. She won't admit it to herself, but she knows it. I hate it so much. Everything I do is in order to make her look sooooo good. And when I say I'm stupid, I get yelled at, and she always makes a point that I have to prove that I'm better than everyone else, because most of the white people around here think they reign supremely. So, it's always "Asians are better at this...and this...and this and this and this...blah blah blah" It gets sooo old.So anyway, my mom came in and woke me up today at 6. I turned the channel on my TV to the news, sat up, and watched (impatiently) for Springfield to roll across the screen. When it did, I jumped out of bed, ran out to the living room and SCREAMED the news. The rents weren't very...enthused. Oh well, fuck them!! Then my mom wanted me to start her car...so I got dressed, ran outside, and started it. When she was about to leave, she made a big huge deal about me not cleaning off her car. But after she walked out, I looked out the window--and most of the snow was melted off. I was SO pissed. She always finds those little things to yell at me for. I can never do anything right...

Yeah, I wa...

Yeah, I was writing an entry yesterday, and my computer restarted. I was sooo pissed. But I was tired, lazy, and feelin' like shit, so I just decided to do it later. I can't even remember what I wrote. Damn. Oh well, I guess...</p>I'm sooo HYPER(?) I think? Alicia AND Annie BOTH get to go. But I don't know if they're allowed. I probably won't know until Friday, WHEN WE LEAVE. Alicia's packed. She's dealin' too...so, she WILL have the money. I'm helpin' Annie out a bit, we shoveled 2 driveways today in her neighborhood and got $12, and she's askin' fer early b-day gifts and shit like that. I understand totally. Money doesn't come to you. It never does and never will, even if I ever become famous, I'll always be short on money. I know it. Sad to think, but still. Not that I WILL become famous. Ever. Because, like, I have NO talent or look to offer that someone else doesn't have. I'm sure there's someone who looks a lot like me and has a lot of the same features and is way better, ya know? So, there goes modeling. Singing...umm...no comment? I really hate it when people tell me I can. Because...I just, don't see it. Well, HEAR it. I hate it so much. Either I'm really blind and negative OR it's true and I'm constantly lied to and will CONTINUE to be lied to. I gave Annie the web addy to my journal today. She was...all to suprised, I guess. She told me she had no idea I felt like that(about her n Enrique)...and I guess it makes me feel better knowing she knows how I feel about it now. I just hope she doesn't...well...act way different about them now and like, gets all fake or just plain AVOIDS me. Oh, I feel so bad for her though. Rique is bringin' on the drama--majorly. He's confusing her AND me both. I have no idea what to think of the things he talks to me about, and she's lost as well. He's hard to read and I'm normally good at that. I had him read this today, too. I want him to have an insight on how I feel about him and Annie. Not that he's really gonna go out with her though. He's too WORRIED about what others think. People at his school(my cousin Sam goes to his school) think he's like...crazy. He told me people think Annie's psycho. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? Yeah, and Yirmeyah is all callin' her a shit whore and shit like that. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?! DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND LIKE THAT TO ME! And, he says she talks about me behind my back. I kinda wanna know if it's true. But, I doubt it. He knows we both start shit over practically nothing...But even if she does, it doesn't bother me. Everyone talks about me at school. I have a few to stick up for me, and that's all I really do need. I told Enrique that Annie and I are practically clones, with the exception of gender...LoL.Well, I gotta go in 10 minutes anyway, so I'll put my written entries in tomorrow! Hopefully, we'll have no school again!! I hope we don't; I have a novel analysis due and it's NOT done.

GRRREAT...I'm sit...

GRRREAT...I'm sitting here talking to Becky, on the verge of tears. I can feel them gathering in my eyes...and it burns...but I'm tryin' my hardest to hold back because my dad's still home...and I don't want him asking what the hell's wrong with me. He always does that...never, EVER asks what's wrong/happening until I'm moping and in tears and a big huge mess. I hate him. He doesn't even care. But why should he? He's not my dad. Not...biologically. So really, he has no reason to...and my mom...I've been lucky enough, I guess...even though she's always screaming at me n shit like that. There's one good thing to it...she's not abusive. If she was, I surely would've ended it long ago.... it only would've added to everything that's happened to me in the past...Which I guess I should start goin' on and on about right about...now...</p>When I was 6, mama tracked down the dumb asshole and called him up...his wife had to FORCE him to get on the phone, and when he did I said hi and he hung up. I cried.In the first grade, I was molested. I remember it like it was yesterday. It didn't really seem traumatic at the time, but...I guess it proves to have been. He was 14, I was 7. I really looked up to him...and despite his parents always arguing and screaming and everything like that. So one night, I finally got to stay the night and let me tell you--I was SO happy. Anyway, we were getting yelled at to go to sleep, so we went into his room and laid down and just watched TV. Our moms were in the dining room talking, and his mom, Sally, would pop her head in the door (it was closed) every once in a while to see how we were doing/if we were sleeping yet. So about the second or third time she came in (it was about every 20 minutes, I remember him saying something about it)...he told me to fake sleep. And I did. He was like a big brother and I listened to nearly everything he told me. Even the lies about monsters and psychos...LoL...The door closed, and he started getting closer to me. I remember wondering "What's he doing?" but I didn't say a word. It felt just like laying in bed with mama, 'cause at the time, I still did sleep with her every once in a while, ya know? And my feelings about being close and like...uhh...physical at the time were really...open. I hugged people all the time, didn't care. So anyway, it happened...and I'd really rather not go into too many details of the actual act...but yeah, I said nothing until like...I think 4th grade. And I guess it's now my price to pay...silence when things go wrong, withdrawn from family and friends in certain situations...lotsa other things...I just happen to be a little bit...different.So, so, SO many things have happened to me in my past that I keep silent about and really don't share. With anyone. Recently, I've started to...open up but not too much, I still have a fear of getting close to people, although it gets out of hand every time and I lose the battle, get close, and get hurt. There are times I really do wish I was never born. There are times I wish things that did happened turned out for the worst. Like, when I was born...I was 6 1/2 weeks late...a C-section baby, and then, when they finally got me out, my heart stopped. They saved me. Obviously and unfortunately. But, no...I just HAVE to have..."luck."Well, I gotta give 2 of my entries. I gotta make up for lost time ya knowz!3/22/02That's truly sad. I didn't come up with one thing to do before I die. I thought it better to not plan too far ahead, just in case...ya know, like, if I decide to do anything stupid (OD,ED,SnD)...I won't be disappointed in any way. And I think it's kinda...opposite...with Annie. She's got Enrique; even though he told her they should wait. Her problems are there. They are big...but, still...no matter what happens, I think she has enough to live for. She'll cut, never serious enough for MAJOR blood loss though. And even when the last or only thing she cares about is gone, something else always comes in. See, with me, I honestly think I have things I care very deeply for. However, no matter how much I care, my problems always seem to win. So, when I finally do...it...I could simply say in my note/letter "I'm sorry" and add in heart felt notes to everyone. I honestly don't see WHY people either lead me on (lie) or keep caring for me; despite the way I act and things I do.Well, hey, atleast I can be happy for Annie. Her n Enrique are...talking. A lot. She even gave me hours NOT to call. Oh well, I guess. She says he wants to meet up @ Red Baron @ Franklin Park next Friday...where "more could happen" I'm kinda scared for her. 1) I don't want her to get hurt and lead on and 2) I don't want him to use her for sex and have her believe a bunch of lies and commit suicide cuz of nothing. But at the same time...I guess I'm kind of also scared to lose her to a guy. Friends before boys!!! I gotta REALLY try to uhh...go by that rule.Talkin' to Annie again. I'm tryin' to get her to come over n spend the night...but she might have to tomorrow.Nevermind..she'll be over before/around 930. I'll write more later. Gonna dance/sing to Britney n straighten up my room. :o)HAPPY.3/23/02Umm...I feel really bad. I actually have to confess, I'm jealous of Annie. How? Why? Obviously, it's most likely a stupid reason...and it is. I'm jealous because...she's happy. I know, that sounds really mean n selfish, but atleast it's umm honest n atleast I can like admit it, ya know?Back onto the topic of Becky, she told me she's scared because of how she's seen her sister. Guys have claimed they won't hurt her because they love her too much(guys that were "bi") and then they left her for a guy...n I guess she's just scared I'm gonna do that to her. I wouldn't. I've gotten to know her over this past >about a< year and I've fallen in love with not only what's on the outside, but what's on the inside. Her personality is what means the most to me and I really guess she can't see that...and I guess it just has to be her loss. I can do no more. She also brought up the moving subject. We won't talk or see each other...when in an e-mail, not too long ago, she told me that after I move, we'll talk online all the time, like everyday, AND atleast once a week on the phone. Self contradiction??

Well...

Well anyway, I told Cassie to check something, teased her for a few minutes with it any finally gave up and said read my journal. I WAS gonna add another entry and then tell her, but I decided not to. WHOA She reads REALLY fast...Annie was telling me about her bday party (she's planning right now, it's prolly gonna be 4/20) and I gave her the idea of a double party...since our birthdays are both before the 20th, and just two days apart, it'd be a good idea to have our party together. We have pretty much the same friends...or atleast tolerate each other's friends even if we don't like them. But anyway, on to today's BUH-YOU-TEA-FULL entry...</p>I shoulda wrote some more last night. I was up till like 3:30AM...but I slept on the couch from the time I got home until 8(ish)...Kara n Amber wrote me back...tellin' me I SHOULD tell them what I need to tell them, but I don't know if I can yet. ('bout me likin' Becky) They say I can trust them. Atleast they think n hope I can. *gag* I'm on my way to Civics...write more later.I walked in late to Science.” My locker wouldn't open." She said ok and told me to sit down. In the hallway, I saw Capri...I walked up to her and the first thing I said to her was "Becky said no" n she asked me why n I mainly told her...I told Becky Jeff's more important than I am, you know him better n you've known him longer...n Pri was like, "so mainly, you gave her up to him?" n I said yeah, pretty much. I never really saw it that way, but yeah, I guess it kinda is like that...*sigh* oh well. I can settle on just friends; I had to with Jeff, too. I guess I just happened to find two friends...who happen to be two incredible people...that I like. A lot. All the more reason to hate my DAMN life. Not that I didn't before. Oh, fun. Shit is starting up with me n Annie again. At lunch...we got really bitchy n shit. I hate this. Hmm...I'm reading this book. Go Ask Alice by AnonymousContinuing...talkin' to Annie...I guess the thing that happened at lunch today was just like...a temporary thing. Well, Annie told me that she made a list of things she wants to do before she dies n I think it's like THE best idea. So, like...here goes:1)Yeah, uhh I sorta can't think of anything. And when I do, it's all too...farfetched. I really don't even think I can plan that far ahead...to prevent any...umm...let downs (on my part) I think I probably shouldn't make that list. No one really knows what could...happen.

Well, It's be...

Well, It's been a really long time. I know Cassie'll be happy I wrote. She nags me to write when she gets bored, so she'll have something to read. And now, I'm gonna keep up this journal AND my written one (that I normally update in Math everyday...) Plainly, and simply...life sucks. I have nothing to look forward to, no life to dream about. I'm always gonna be stuck, trying to fulfill my mom's dreams of what she wants for me. She's raised me with a vision of what I'd end up like, and I'm starting to ruin it. To make, and keep, her happy, I guess I'll have to suck it up and be fake. No "choosing" to be gay...no freedom of expression...no picking out what I like...no making my decisions...no having fun with friends, and most of all...no living my own life. </p>I'm probably gonna type up every entry I make in my journal, as well as add to this one...so, there should be plenty to read. You'll learn to like me. And if you don't, big deal...There's nothing much to like anyway. And I'm not expecting anything out of anyone. My life is drama in the making. A play in the works. No one in their right mind would pay good, hard earned money to see a play of anything that happened in my life anyway. On to today's entry. OMG! SO much happens n I keep forgetting everything I wanna write down. Well, yeah, me n Annie are friends again, which I see as a good thing...even though we still get kinda snappy/bitchy with each other but still, atleast we're talking...I really don't know what's going on with me and Becky. I e-mailed her last weekend...n I couldn't help but cry when I was writing it...because of the...umm...content. I'll print it out when I get home and put it in here...for like a..."future...>what's the word<...OH! reference."Umm, ok. I was gonna keep writing in Math, but we had a test that I totally forgot about and prolly failed. Anyway, more important things have umm...occured. I should prolly make it known that I am sticking to guys. The ONLY gurl I like(liked...whatever) has turned me down(with good, thought out reasons)and well, therefore, I'm sticking to guys. Becky told me she didn't think it'd work out n I guess that's that, ya know? It goes back to that stupid ass DAMNED French saying, "C'est la vie"...That's life. FUCK LIFE. I was sitting in Math yesterday SHAKING cuz Kara wouldn't promise me that she wouldn't do anything stupid (I told her today in our notebook--if you do anything, and I find out, I WILL make it even...) So, if it does come to...that...I just have all the more reason to. Punish myself, that is. For everything. For ever starting up drama between Jeff, Becky, and I...for never doing anything good enough/right...for making everyone's life hell...<--Hell: it must be capitalized, for I made it as close to the actual place as possible, unintentionally. Anyway, back onto the umm...topic. Yeah, there's plenty to punish myself for. It's all in the files of my brain, however. I'd rather not write it all out. 1)too much work/effort 2)if anyone reads this, everyone will know my pain AND suffering...which would *NOT* be good. I could imagine it all, someone'll see my arms, I'll be hauled off to some psycho ward, this will be given to some...SHRINK...and I'll be counseled. Forever. And IF I make it OUT of there, I'll prolly be stuck in some stupid outpatient treatment. That will NOT happen to me, and if it does, they better believe, it will NOT stop at cutting. I'll go deeper. One last time. And I don't give a fuck. Becky won't care that much; less stress. Same w/mama. n Jeff, he doesn't care about me at all either. I know I annoy Holly, Liz, and Cassie, along w/Jeff, Becky, and mama...Annie has more...important things to...weep about. I'm not important in anyone's life. I'll never, ever really be. So, I have nothing to consider when I've got a blade to my arm and I'm either sobbing or just keeping a straight face and thinking. Whatever, If I kill myself; I'm gone AND relieved, if not, I'm here AND I'm suffering. No one really cares about me either way. Dad (Harold...) definitely doesn't. He totally HATES me.That's pretty much it. Tough, strong emotions from a stupid lil asian dude that no one gives a fuck about and could careless about what happens. Being minority and gay only adds to things people can tease me about.