Well, It's be...

Well, It's been a really long time. I know Cassie'll be happy I wrote. She nags me to write when she gets bored, so she'll have something to read. And now, I'm gonna keep up this journal AND my written one (that I normally update in Math everyday...) Plainly, and simply...life sucks. I have nothing to look forward to, no life to dream about. I'm always gonna be stuck, trying to fulfill my mom's dreams of what she wants for me. She's raised me with a vision of what I'd end up like, and I'm starting to ruin it. To make, and keep, her happy, I guess I'll have to suck it up and be fake. No "choosing" to be gay...no freedom of expression...no picking out what I like...no making my decisions...no having fun with friends, and most of all...no living my own life. </p>I'm probably gonna type up every entry I make in my journal, as well as add to this one...so, there should be plenty to read. You'll learn to like me. And if you don't, big deal...There's nothing much to like anyway. And I'm not expecting anything out of anyone. My life is drama in the making. A play in the works. No one in their right mind would pay good, hard earned money to see a play of anything that happened in my life anyway. On to today's entry. OMG! SO much happens n I keep forgetting everything I wanna write down. Well, yeah, me n Annie are friends again, which I see as a good thing...even though we still get kinda snappy/bitchy with each other but still, atleast we're talking...I really don't know what's going on with me and Becky. I e-mailed her last weekend...n I couldn't help but cry when I was writing it...because of the...umm...content. I'll print it out when I get home and put it in here...for like a..."future...>what's the word<...OH! reference."Umm, ok. I was gonna keep writing in Math, but we had a test that I totally forgot about and prolly failed. Anyway, more important things have umm...occured. I should prolly make it known that I am sticking to guys. The ONLY gurl I like(liked...whatever) has turned me down(with good, thought out reasons)and well, therefore, I'm sticking to guys. Becky told me she didn't think it'd work out n I guess that's that, ya know? It goes back to that stupid ass DAMNED French saying, "C'est la vie"...That's life. FUCK LIFE. I was sitting in Math yesterday SHAKING cuz Kara wouldn't promise me that she wouldn't do anything stupid (I told her today in our notebook--if you do anything, and I find out, I WILL make it even...) So, if it does come to...that...I just have all the more reason to. Punish myself, that is. For everything. For ever starting up drama between Jeff, Becky, and I...for never doing anything good enough/right...for making everyone's life hell...<--Hell: it must be capitalized, for I made it as close to the actual place as possible, unintentionally. Anyway, back onto the umm...topic. Yeah, there's plenty to punish myself for. It's all in the files of my brain, however. I'd rather not write it all out. 1)too much work/effort 2)if anyone reads this, everyone will know my pain AND suffering...which would *NOT* be good. I could imagine it all, someone'll see my arms, I'll be hauled off to some psycho ward, this will be given to some...SHRINK...and I'll be counseled. Forever. And IF I make it OUT of there, I'll prolly be stuck in some stupid outpatient treatment. That will NOT happen to me, and if it does, they better believe, it will NOT stop at cutting. I'll go deeper. One last time. And I don't give a fuck. Becky won't care that much; less stress. Same w/mama. n Jeff, he doesn't care about me at all either. I know I annoy Holly, Liz, and Cassie, along w/Jeff, Becky, and mama...Annie has more...important things to...weep about. I'm not important in anyone's life. I'll never, ever really be. So, I have nothing to consider when I've got a blade to my arm and I'm either sobbing or just keeping a straight face and thinking. Whatever, If I kill myself; I'm gone AND relieved, if not, I'm here AND I'm suffering. No one really cares about me either way. Dad (Harold...) definitely doesn't. He totally HATES me.That's pretty much it. Tough, strong emotions from a stupid lil asian dude that no one gives a fuck about and could careless about what happens. Being minority and gay only adds to things people can tease me about.