GRRREAT...I'm sit...

GRRREAT...I'm sitting here talking to Becky, on the verge of tears. I can feel them gathering in my eyes...and it burns...but I'm tryin' my hardest to hold back because my dad's still home...and I don't want him asking what the hell's wrong with me. He always does that...never, EVER asks what's wrong/happening until I'm moping and in tears and a big huge mess. I hate him. He doesn't even care. But why should he? He's not my dad. Not...biologically. So really, he has no reason to...and my mom...I've been lucky enough, I guess...even though she's always screaming at me n shit like that. There's one good thing to it...she's not abusive. If she was, I surely would've ended it long ago.... it only would've added to everything that's happened to me in the past...Which I guess I should start goin' on and on about right about...now...</p>When I was 6, mama tracked down the dumb asshole and called him up...his wife had to FORCE him to get on the phone, and when he did I said hi and he hung up. I cried.In the first grade, I was molested. I remember it like it was yesterday. It didn't really seem traumatic at the time, but...I guess it proves to have been. He was 14, I was 7. I really looked up to him...and despite his parents always arguing and screaming and everything like that. So one night, I finally got to stay the night and let me tell you--I was SO happy. Anyway, we were getting yelled at to go to sleep, so we went into his room and laid down and just watched TV. Our moms were in the dining room talking, and his mom, Sally, would pop her head in the door (it was closed) every once in a while to see how we were doing/if we were sleeping yet. So about the second or third time she came in (it was about every 20 minutes, I remember him saying something about it)...he told me to fake sleep. And I did. He was like a big brother and I listened to nearly everything he told me. Even the lies about monsters and psychos...LoL...The door closed, and he started getting closer to me. I remember wondering "What's he doing?" but I didn't say a word. It felt just like laying in bed with mama, 'cause at the time, I still did sleep with her every once in a while, ya know? And my feelings about being close and like...uhh...physical at the time were really...open. I hugged people all the time, didn't care. So anyway, it happened...and I'd really rather not go into too many details of the actual act...but yeah, I said nothing until like...I think 4th grade. And I guess it's now my price to pay...silence when things go wrong, withdrawn from family and friends in certain situations...lotsa other things...I just happen to be a little bit...different.So, so, SO many things have happened to me in my past that I keep silent about and really don't share. With anyone. Recently, I've started to...open up but not too much, I still have a fear of getting close to people, although it gets out of hand every time and I lose the battle, get close, and get hurt. There are times I really do wish I was never born. There are times I wish things that did happened turned out for the worst. Like, when I was born...I was 6 1/2 weeks late...a C-section baby, and then, when they finally got me out, my heart stopped. They saved me. Obviously and unfortunately. But, no...I just HAVE to have..."luck."Well, I gotta give 2 of my entries. I gotta make up for lost time ya knowz!3/22/02That's truly sad. I didn't come up with one thing to do before I die. I thought it better to not plan too far ahead, just in case...ya know, like, if I decide to do anything stupid (OD,ED,SnD)...I won't be disappointed in any way. And I think it's kinda...opposite...with Annie. She's got Enrique; even though he told her they should wait. Her problems are there. They are big...but, still...no matter what happens, I think she has enough to live for. She'll cut, never serious enough for MAJOR blood loss though. And even when the last or only thing she cares about is gone, something else always comes in. See, with me, I honestly think I have things I care very deeply for. However, no matter how much I care, my problems always seem to win. So, when I finally do...it...I could simply say in my note/letter "I'm sorry" and add in heart felt notes to everyone. I honestly don't see WHY people either lead me on (lie) or keep caring for me; despite the way I act and things I do.Well, hey, atleast I can be happy for Annie. Her n Enrique are...talking. A lot. She even gave me hours NOT to call. Oh well, I guess. She says he wants to meet up @ Red Baron @ Franklin Park next Friday...where "more could happen" I'm kinda scared for her. 1) I don't want her to get hurt and lead on and 2) I don't want him to use her for sex and have her believe a bunch of lies and commit suicide cuz of nothing. But at the same time...I guess I'm kind of also scared to lose her to a guy. Friends before boys!!! I gotta REALLY try to uhh...go by that rule.Talkin' to Annie again. I'm tryin' to get her to come over n spend the night...but she might have to tomorrow.Nevermind..she'll be over before/around 930. I'll write more later. Gonna dance/sing to Britney n straighten up my room. :o)HAPPY.3/23/02Umm...I feel really bad. I actually have to confess, I'm jealous of Annie. How? Why? Obviously, it's most likely a stupid reason...and it is. I'm jealous because...she's happy. I know, that sounds really mean n selfish, but atleast it's umm honest n atleast I can like admit it, ya know?Back onto the topic of Becky, she told me she's scared because of how she's seen her sister. Guys have claimed they won't hurt her because they love her too much(guys that were "bi") and then they left her for a guy...n I guess she's just scared I'm gonna do that to her. I wouldn't. I've gotten to know her over this past >about a< year and I've fallen in love with not only what's on the outside, but what's on the inside. Her personality is what means the most to me and I really guess she can't see that...and I guess it just has to be her loss. I can do no more. She also brought up the moving subject. We won't talk or see each other...when in an e-mail, not too long ago, she told me that after I move, we'll talk online all the time, like everyday, AND atleast once a week on the phone. Self contradiction??