Cumulative

Hey ya'llz! I really haven't updated in a while...but, I have been making entries almost every day...and saving them, so I can just add mass entries every once in a while...:o) Hey, don't complain either...IT'S SOMETHING! haha</p>4/7/02Well, looks like I'm totally screwed. My mom and I just got kicked out...and...well, I hate it. She said she's probably gonna move down there now, Aunt Dao said it's probably best since we have an opportunity now. Ya know what? SCREW OPPORTUNITY!! I better not leave before Becky gets back. I'll hate Mom forever. I really HAVE to see Becky before we leave. I'm gonna cry sooo hard. I know it. I'll miss them all. Especially Amber, Kara, Colie, Becky, and Jeff. Annie...I don't really know. I mean we're best friends and all...we know each other like...well, like we're the same person. And...just...yeah. 4/21/02-3:40PMI had such a good time last night...I was in a pair of shorts n a wife beater...but I was still reaaaally hot but it was toooo cold outside to go out n cool off, so I just...managed...Unfortunately. So anyway, yeah, I think Jeff is gonna be EXTREMELY pissed at me and/or Becky...we kinda went against what he asked us not to do...(even though I have no idea why he doesn't want us to do anything) Well anyway, last night, before she left er whatever, Jeff told Becky not to do anything(she didn't tell me this until today...a lil before he came over...) and well, we did. Nothing sexual or whatever, just a lot of dancing/flirting*cough...making out...cough* but still, it wasn't anything too major. So anyway, yeah, I danced wayyyy more this time...unlike the SHD, where I mainly sat on my ass for 2 reasons: 1) I didn't wanna look like a fool and 2) It was sooooo damn hot...But anyway, it was sooo fun, except, I'm just scared of how Jeff is gonna react to...well, what happened. I really didn't worry about it much at first, when Becky brought it up earlier, but...I actually thought about it and now I'm kinda concerned. It worries me a lot because I think he's gonna start trippin' out again...and she's gonna end up just deciding not to talk to me at all...Not that I think she'd do that...but if she doesn't do that, she might make the decision to just not do the whole no label but lotsa closeness thing. And another thing I don't wanna give up is like, even hugging her or givin her a quick kiss on the cheek if Jeff's around. I doubt it would come to that, but I'm just thinking of all the lil' negative things that could potentially happen. I'm really good at that, and right now...it's NOT a good quality. I just dunno where my blades are, sooo I guess it's a good thing. I can just type everything I'm feeling...and pound the keys as hard as I possibly can at any god damned time, to take out my anger/frustration. It's a lot better than cutting up my arms and being sent away or put in a shrinks office every fuckin day. There goes that god damned negative thinking again. Grr...Ohh, before I forget...I wrote a lil' e-mail to Becky just sayin' sorry and whatever...and kinda just sayin' exactly what I've said here...4/21/02-11:20PMoOoOo I'm still waiting for a response from Becky. She's probably with Jeff getting high...oh well...Anyway, yeah, after I was done swimming with Alison, Ruthie, and Andrew, I came back to the room and got into some dry clothes and got online...then Becky got online and was all like OMG! I'm goin' to the movies...TRY N GET UP THERE! But, don't tell Jeff I told you to, cuz he'll get mad! LOL So, yeah I tried to get up there, and finally got a ride...from my dad...lol. But yeah, my mom is bitchin'...she just got back from Alison's family's suite upstairs, so I gotta go..."DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!"4/22/02-6:00PMWell, it's totally outta the question for me and Becky to be together...*sigh* I hate this. I dunno if I should just give up now, and save myself problems...or hurt...and just, get over her and the whole situation...and move on and make myself open to whatever comes my way...oooor if I should keep trying to get her. I know my efforts won't work though, because of Jeff, and well, I would just be better off moving on. I mean, I was stuck on Jeff for 6 1/2 months after the whole thing went down with me n him n Becky, and I just don't wanna turn down people like I did those months after Jeff...it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to myself, so, I guess it's worth it to be back on the market...I'm probably just gonna stick to guys fer now though. The occasional gurl to do whatever with, but besides that, I'm stayin' away. MAYBE Alicia...IF she really likes me(she said something about liking me after I told her I lost it and it was really awkward, maybe...when she's allowed to talk on the phone again, I should ask her about it and really talk to her about the whole thing) I really gotta work on my jealousy issues though. It's really fuckin' hard sometimes...but, if I really wanna avoid anymore drama, I think it'd be best for not only me, but everyone else, to just...control the shit...and if I talk to Becky and she talks about some guy, just...talk to her and not be all zoned out and shit...And, it really shouldn't bother her that much when I talk about other people...cuz she seems fine with us not doing the closeness w/no labels thing...and just, yeah. It *IS* gonna be E X T R E M E L Y hard for me to do, because I actually liked the thought of being with her, and felt...well, I don't know the word for it, but I was happy when I was with Becky at the dance and tryin' to get the glowstick from her @ the dance. It's the little things like that that make me happy and make me regret the things I know I can't have. I wish I could just say these things to Becky, like, straight to her face, but I can't, and the thought of knowing what she could be thinking, so it's easier on myself to just have her read things so she gets a lil' feel of where I'm coming from/what I'm feeling.4/25/02-12:16AMI just got off the phone with Mark...*sigh* ah I REALLY like him...he's really cool:o) He goes to Southview, but he's not out at school, so, I can't really say anything to anyone about him. I gotta keep it a *shh* secret. He goes to RAY though, so I know I'll see him atleast once a week. I don't even know what I like so much about him either. It's just...HIM. I hate that...I >most of the time< like people and don't even know what I like about them. Hey, it's different with Becky, but ehh that's not happening, and it won't be happening either, so...screw that. There's A LOT of cuties @ RAY. OMG I was like, SO dying...er, drooling LoL. Jerome and Eddie like me...I don't like them though...they're just...weird. I hope they don't think I'm like racist or something, cuz they're both black and I just hope they don't take it the wrong way. I mean, hey, Mark is half black, half white, so it's not like...yeah. And I really don't know if Jordan and Mark are still together...so, that's something I'm gonna have to bring up. Jon brought it up in the car, when he was bringing me home, cuz I was talkin' 'bout allllllllll the hottiez LOL Let's see...a list...1) Mark...1/2 black, 1/2 white...tan...cutie, a lil taller than me...nice ass...really nice, thinks I'm cute...I think...and oOoOMG his chest is niiiiice...he used to have an ED...I think he said Ana...and he weighs like 129 because he's recovering, and hey, it's all good. ^_^2) Chris...oOoOo a mexican LOL...bleach blond hair, spiked...drove me to RAY, didn't really talk to him much but he is DAMN FYNE >_<3) Jon...I don't really think he's THAT hot, but I mean, there is a little something about him that just...draws me to him. I had the biggest urge to lay on him when Jim was driving us to James' place...he's 6'2...HUGE hands and feet -_^ LOL...He's really cute too, he walked in with Lisa and I was like aww he's cute4) Mark(ANOTHER ONE)...He's not THAT hot, but heyy lol...EH and he's Jon's b/f5) Ryan...aww he's soo...cute! He looked way preppy though...but a lot of the guys there looked/were...I'm gonna talk to him next week n find out more6) Ross...he's gotta man...>_< DAMN IT! He's SO cute...Jordan knows him...7) Tyler...Ross' man...>_< I hate this...LOL...OMG his eyes are...*sigh* AH i was hypnotized! LOL he talked to meeee!! :o)Anyway, yeah I was talkin' to Mark(#1) and I was like, yeah...the room was split it two...I should been in the middle, I felt outta place on that side of the room. n he was like no, no you belonged there:o) AHH! I really do hope I get someplace with him LOL He's so, OMG I don't even know how to explain it. I gotta write him a bunch of notes and give em alll to him on Wednesday next week. AH OMG I can't wait to see him. He MIGHT come to the party(Annie's b-day party) this Saturday...I really hope he does...hehe, we can go swimming...oOoOo omg I'll like, drown LMAO...So anyway, yeah I was supposed to get picked up @ 6 by Lisa. I waited forever and they finally came at like, 6:40 when I got sick of waiting for her and figured she wasn't coming...so, I went back to the room, grabbed the laptop, and sat down in the lobby, and was about to get online. Then, 2 totally cool lookin' ppl walked in, and SUPRISE!! They were there for meee!! Lisa, with her pink/blonde hair, PJ pants, and piercings...and Jon with his...tallness, wild hair, and just, CUTENESS LoL...Jon was like, Are you Mark?? n I was like UH HUH!!! so I ran back to the room, threw the laptop on my bed, grabbed my GAP sweatshirt and said BYE MOM!!...and we were off. I got in the car and was like...=O HOLY FUCK! LOL Chris...oOoOo i was like LORDY! LoL Yeah, they like, all smoked too. It didn't bother me--the windows were open. So yeah, it was a fun ride there LOL, they're soo funny n cool. I got there, said hi to Brenda, and went on in...I felt dumb just standing there, being new and all. Mark offered the seat next to him though!!:o) I was like WOO I hope that's Mark, then he said he was n I was like >_< GAWD (LoL) oooo Janet is on TV right now. It reminds me of Mark...LoL...if he's here Saturday I'm gonna b sooo happy, I don't give a fuck if people from school are here or not, I will do what the fuck ever I want. If I feel like kissin' him--GOD DAMN IT I WILL!! If they get disgusted, LEAVE!4/25/02-8:43AMYeah, anyway, I kinda fell asleep last night...so, I never really finished up my entry. About the whole If I feel like kissin' him thing, uhm, yeah that's only if it was like a...mutual thing. I'm not gonna like, jump on him and start like, totally making out with him...unless...EH I'll shut up LOL Anyway...yeah, I'm not going to school today because mama worked 3rd shift last night and she was tired...So, I woke up at 6:30 and then got in the shower...when she came home, she was like Do you wanna go to school? and I was like =O nope!! LoL Hey, I have to take advantage because...this won't happen again. So, yeah I'm just...sittin' on my ass until like, 10...when I gotta wake her up. I have an ortho appointment at 11:30 anyway...so, yeah I'd be outta school later anyway. 4/25/02-1:45PMI just started a load of laundry. I'm just...singing and being lazy. I think EVERYONE should own the 3LW CD...AHH I'm gonna go talk to Kenny...LOL I gotta clean too, so I'm gonna go prance around my house picking up and throwing away stuff...byez!

SOOOOOOO...

SOOOOOOOO bored. Becky keeps nagging me to update my journal...and since I can finally do it(I CAN get on the site), I will. I gotta add other stuff next time though cuz all the shit I typed up for entries is on our laptop, at the hotel room. You might be wondering what the hell I'm talking about with a hotel room and all. After all, I AM back from Spring Break. Well...when we got back, we stayed one more night at a hotel because it was around midnight and we didn't wanna piss Harold off by coming in all late and shit...So, the next morning, we walk in, and he starts asking her questions. Then, he tells her to get out. She protests, then finally shuts up and just...packs. She and I both figured it was meant for us both to get out, but today he told me I still have a place/room/whatever here and I'm allowed to come and go as I please. So anyway, I lived the last week in a hotel with her. We stayed for free at Alison Clark's mom's hotel all this last week...but she can't do that anymore, because a "big boss" is coming into town soon for inspections. So, we were planning on moving within the next 3 weeks to Florida. Early...really early. I was PISSED!! I was begging her to let me stay atleast until the 21st(after the lock in, Spring Fling, and my birthday) but...my god family convinced her it's not good to pull me out of school this late in the year and we're staying. They're going to pay for our hotel until we leave(June 15th)...and...yeah. We're gonna be staying in the Knight's Inn. I don't like it very much, but I'll keep my mouth shut because I think I should just be greatful that I can stay 'till summer!! So anyway...I just found the entry I wrote on Monday(April 8th)...</p>I can't believe this. I can tell Becky really didn't think about umm..."us"...while she was in Florida. It's really...well, depressing. She's not a virgin anymore. That doesn't bother me. What DOES bother me is that she lost it to...well, SOMEONE...She said she definately would be doing a lot of thinking on the way to Florida, and while she was there. I can probably just...assume she didn't. At all. I know I did. I didn't tell anyone what was on my mind, I didn't really write down any of my thoughts, either. I did wish on a star though. As stupid as it sounds/seems, I looked up at the sky one night when me, Annie, and Amber went for a walk on the beach and found the brightest star and wished that Becky DID think about us, and made the decision that was best for both of us. I guess I already know what her stupid fucking decision is. I really don't even know why I brought it up to her. I knew she'd probably do somethin like that anyway. I shoulda seen it. Especially with what she told me they'd done before, I really don't think I could've been anymore blind. I'm not really gonna do anything...drastic because of it. I just think I'll feel...awkward around them. I wonder if they're gonna like, go out now? I'm too...well...afraid to ask anyway. I think it's kinda since I really...DON'T wanna know. But then again, I do. I mean, I'm not a virgin anymore, as of today, but still...I really think it doesn't have any affect on her. Probably could care less anyway. I told her I didn't use protection, she didn't yell at me or anything. As I said, probably doesn't care anyway. I don't care if I get anythin either. If he's gotta STD or AIDS/HIV whatever, then I guess it's my fault. I deserve it anyway. Maybe I'll die sooner than people normally do when they have AIDS. Maybe it'll kill me really fast and I don't have to deal with any stupid shit. I can guarantee no one'll care. Well, MAYBE Amber n Kara. Annie certainly won't. Becky, I don't really know about. And...anyone else...who gives a fuck? Jeff, I KNOW damn good and well he doesn't. I know A LOT of people wish I was dead already anyway...might as well make their wish come true. I think I'm kind of...umm...through with the whole suicidal stages. But who really does know when you're through with that stuff? I know something will set me off again and it'll start back up. I probably sound like I'm whining and shit like that...but still. Oh, and I'm not gonna say who I lost it to...cuz...well, 1) Becky might read this and 2) I don't want everyone knowing. I'm only gonna tell a couple people..and I doubt I'll tell Annie who it is. I doubt I'll tell Amber or Kara either. And if I tell Colie, almost guaranteed she'll tell Amber n Kara. I guess I can't really tell anyone. Maybe I SHOULD go back to cutting. I know I'm gonna say something in my sleep. My mom WILL find out. She WILL be pissed. I WILL be in trouble. Oh well. If it becomes too much to handle, I'll just...end it I guess.OOOK...well, Becky just told me she actually WAS considering us...until I told her I lost it. How fucking sad. It's like, oooh yeah, I can lose mine but oh shit you ain't a virgin...HOW FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL!! That's so...WRONG. I would NEVER, EVER do that to ANYONE. I bet you it's because I told her I didn't use protection. And even if it isn't, there HAS to be SOME good reason. I don't even think I should cry over any of this shit. After all, it *is* her decisions that are being made. I have no role really in any of it. Except, a small little role. I'm the subject of these decisions...that's it. I have no influence on her choices. I'm just...the "thing" the choices are being made about. I guess that's how I should look at myself from now on. A thing. An object. When you really think about it, that's all anyone really is. And if we had prices, I'd be cheap or free. I'm worthless. So many other people could be worth sooo much more. And I can see people walking around with their little price tags dangling off of their necks right now. Such a vivid imagination. To picture everyone I know with a price tag. And the price. Even people I don't know could be worth so much more. Like the lady(Sabrina) I met at the beach party...(I'll explain the party bit later)...honestly, she looked like a drunk, cheap whore. Then, even though she was drunk, she talked to me and Annie and I realized she is a much better person than she appears. It's really a weird thing. The "beautiful people" are stuck up, closed-minded, mean, and rude...while the...umm...average people are...really the beautiful ones.Yeah Monday was kind of...a...umm...suprising day. I've been really tired all week though. So, after all that shit happened, I fell asleep...I've been doing A LOT of sleeping this week too...I wonder if I'm the only one that's been living dead all week?oOoOoh reason to be haaaaaaaaaaappy!:o)After I told Becky that I'm not moving until the summer, she's kinda hadda lil' change of heart n we might go out...I'm really hoping she's not still stuck on/scared that I'll leave her for some guy. We WERE supposed to be together practically all night tonight at the lock in...but...yeah, Mr. Burden is being an ass and told Becky she can't go because it wouldn't be fair to the other people he said no to...so, since she isn't going, I'm not. And, she's going to a party tonight at Jaime's soooo...we can't do anything this weekend and I'm stuck waiting around until next weekend to see her. That's really the only thing I'm pissed about...I KNOW I need to go to the mall either tomorrow or Tuesday...or atleast before I see Becky because I gotta get her something for her birthday...I gotta put some thought to it actually.

I real...

I really, really can’t wait until later!! Annie is DEFINITELY goin’ to Fla w/me and I’m sooo hyper..I was talkin’ to Alicia a few days ago, and I was talkin’ reeeeeeeally fast…LoL… I’m soo happy fer once!! And Amber Behrendt is goin’ us too!! It’s gonna b sooooo much fun. I think my mom is gonna hate me AND them though. We’re gonna be really…REALLY loud, obnoxious, and annoying…LoL</p>I really wish Annie wouldn’t say she hates being compared to her “perfect friends”…we’re no different than she is. All of us have problems, too. Some of ours aren’t as…big…as hers. But, still. We have ‘em!! And as far as her comment about having a talent, she’s got lots of things she’s good at. She CAN sing. She CAN play soccer. She *is* a good poet. She can be so blind sometimes, and it bothers me every once in a while…me, on the other hand, there’s absolutely NO hope. I don’t even know WHY I try to sing. The keyword is try, btw…I just got dressed and everything…I just put together *the* cutest outfit on EARTH:o)-a tight gray Aéropostale shirt-faded AE jeans-a blue flame belt w/silver studs all around it-blue flame wallet(matches my belt…oOoOo)-Adidas shoes w/black stripes n rainbow laces…hehehe OMG I look so cute…and I NEVER, EVER say that, so…this must b umm…different. I can’t wait to get over to Annie’s and get a pic with her…I gotta get atleast ONE where we BOTH look cute…to put next to my bed when I move to Fla so I always remember who my true friend is…I need to do that fer Becky, Jeff, Alicia, Amber n Kara, too…I really, really don’t wanna move but I really have no choice anyway. No matter what happens or what I say, my mom isn’t gonna change her mind. It’s actually quite hopeless…but I don’t care…there’s nothing in the world that I could say or do to change her stupid ass mind. I hate the fact that she never really asks my opinion except when it’s about “what do you want to eat?” or something like that. It’s really…pointless to EVER ask me anything if that’s the ONLY thing she asks about. I hate my life. My dad and I will probably get in a fight when I get back from Fla bcuz he’s stupid like that and he’s prolly gonna pull some shit like he used to with my mom and throw our stuff out OR threaten to if we don’t come home “immediately”…how fuckin’ controlling can u possibly BE? If I find out he goes through ANY of my or her stuff, there WILL b violence. I can’t stand him and I will NOT take any of his stupid shit. I’m through with how he treats us. Especially how he treats her. She’s survived 20+ years of beating, yelling, screaming, everything…and I don’t want that for her. She’s worth so much more than that. I gotta go though…I need to eat still. Then brush my teeth…n then check to make sure I have EVERYTHING I need. I’ll write in my journal when I’m in Fla and I’ll type it all up when I get back!!

What the hell?...

What the hell? I found out earlier why Holly (HOLY HOLLY!) has been like, ignoring me. I got really...bitchy-complainy when I was runnin' to her after me and Annie had our lil "break up" and she got really sick of my whining and told me to shut up and I flipped cuz I have THE shortest temper on earth and take EVERYTHING tooooo seriously. So, she's just mainly been ignoring me and not answering or just signing off. And I've been left wondering "what the hell?" Ya knowz? </p>Annie called me earlier. Her mom started bitchin' again after like 5-10 minutes, so she had to go. I really hate that. Especially when I REALLY NEED to talk to her. But yeah, Annie's been obsessed/addicted to that one girl's diary lately. Hmm, I suppose I should tell you whose diary it is cuz I'm always like, "that one girl" and if I were reading this and just hearing “girl” I’d be highly annoyed. She’s hiddenscars. Quite…unique and different. I like her a lot; she’s cool. I wish I had more friends like her. As I said earlier, no one but the Others who have the problems and submit to Ana or Mia or cutting or poppin’ would understand. Hmm, I got this idea from Annie…time to go down my list of friends, and their problems…well, actually, a quick description of them all…Becky…She’s such a nice, caring, COOL girl, but she’s got a major, major insecurity issue. No matter how many compliments ANYONE gives her, she really never sees what they talk about, much like me and Annie. With E.D.’s in her past, cutting in the present, and drugs too, she might sound like a mess, but she really isn’t. The problems she does have barely lead to the cutting and everything like that. Actually, she hasn’t cut in a while…She’s quite…emotional too, like me and Annie…and she can tend to be a bit…difficult to deal with. I just recently realized I’m bi, and have a H U G E crush on her, not only for what’s on the outside, but mainly what’s on the inside. She has a BEAUTIFUL personality and I wish she would let people see it more often. I wish she would listen to me sometimes, like when I tell her how I feel bout her getting high and shit like that…I hate when she does it, but I tell everyone…I can only tell you how I feel about things, it’s your choice about what you end up doing. She’s also a GREAT dancer…Jeff…I feel so sorry for him. He tells me not to, but I can’t help it. His mom kicked him out for God only knows why and he has to live with his dad, not that it’s a big problem or deal or whatev but still. I heard she was like, screaming at him and everything and I just wish we were closer. I’m kinda mad at him…because rather than us going out, he compromised that we’d be friends, but he never really talks to me, and doesn’t call back..but I shouldn’t really bring that on/up right now. I see what’s happenin’ and decided to keep my big, annoying, loud ass mouth shut. I’ll admit I still like him n all, only as like…an attraction thing though. He’s a good person and all…caring, funny, cool and everything like that. He has an attitude, like most of my close friends do, and it’s probably something I should like, add to a list or something. I can see it now…”WANTED: Friend…Requirements: Mean, bitchy, bad attitude…” LoL I’m so stupid. He’s another really good dancer, I love seein’ him n Becky dance. :o)I’ll have to finish up the rest of my friends later, I gotta go…

I’m so...

I’m so bored…so I thought I’d write another entry. I called Annie earlier. Her mom started bitchin’ fer her to get off, so she had to go. I really wish Annie would stop with the whole insecurity stuff…even though I know we can’t stop each other, no matter how hard we try…because we’ll both do the same thing: tell each other to stop, but keep doing what we’re telling the other to not do. We’re really…difficult? There are SO many more words I could use, but I’d just rather keep it…simple. She read some girls diary from my list of favorites and now she’s getting ideas about Ana. I hate it. I always have to tell Becky things that I see, no matter how bitchy she gets with me. I could start screaming lies about everything I really like, but I’d be lying to myself too. So, I won’t…but still, Alicia says she got fat. I have to see that. She’s never been fat. Ever. Annie is complaining about being fat, and she knows she isn’t. Hell, I say I’m fat and I’m 5’5” and like…hang on lemme way myself again…110.5 lbs. I hate my body. I see only imperfections and my face, oh, I won’t start. Annie and I have generally the same body. Barely have asses, almost the same complexion, kinda the same face. And we think the same. No matter what, we don’t see the good things people say. It’s really weird. We’re both complimented all the time, but we never take those comments to heart. We ignore them all the time, and I think that’s mainly our biggest problem. I like it that way. That’s how it’s always gonna be anyway, so why not deal with it? I can’t force myself to see it. She can’t either. We think negatively and that’s just…what we do. She’s quoting things from that girl’s diary…and she gave me one that I really, really love….it SO is for us…</p>“It is impossible for me to remain happy, because I think entirely too much.”That’s so, so, so true for the both of us. And probably a lot of other people, too. Negativity is a way of life. It’s MY way of life. It’s like, a lifestyle. It’s actually like being bi. It’s listed under a lifestyle when you see it on websites like Yahoo! …so, wouldn’t negativity and suicide be under that, too? How about…cutters? And Anas? And Mias? And dopers? And everyone else? Those aren’t problems. They’re ways of life. Plain and simple…if anyone disagrees, they can kiss my small brown ass. O =) So many people sit there and act like they can understand what makes people do things like turn to Ana and Mia, or cutting, or popping. No one but the Others who do it can understand. That’s why there are the support groups out there for it. I haven’t really find any others that have problems like mine and do the things I do about them, besides Annie. That’s why we get along so well. And think, she came to Ohio in 3rd grade, and we hated each other and then in 4th grade, we started talking and look where we are now…That’s another reason I don’t wanna leave her. I can’t bear to think what she might do when I leave. I know that I’m not everything to her, and I know she might get along so much better without me, but still, she comes to me with problems, and tells me nearly EVERYTHING that goes on. I even talked her out of cutting deep last time, before our big “break up” I’m so glad she only cut a little bit, instead of totally slicing. I would’ve been devastated. I probably would’ve done the same. I think we’re both kinda over cutting though. I think our new thing is gonna be Ana. I couldn’t turn to Mia. Ever. I’d never be able to do that. Especially if I want to sing. Not that I think I can, because my voice is another one of the imperfections that come along with me, but I know Mia will totally screw up my vocal chords. So, I think that’ll be off my list of slow, dragged ways. There’s always sweet, wonderful Ana. I love it. So…easy. Plus, I think there’s less problems w/Ana….And I think I can cover it up as easy as anything else.

I never kne...

I never knew...Annie's mom used to beat her. How could I've been so blind? I noticed it in Becky, the one, single time her step dad hit her. But, I could hear it in her voice, and she was over at her sister's. I've known Annie for 4 whole years and I still didn't know until today. I hate that about her. She puts on an act that she's soooo sooo strong and can face anything when she knows she wants to break down and cry and sob and let it all out. I mean, she only shows 4 main emotions at school: happy, hyper, depressed, and pissed. The same with me, which is why I told Enrique we're practically twins, well, CLONES. Aside from gender, we're practically the same. Looks, personality, it's almost the same. Well, she has her deep love for soccer. She's actually really athletic compared to me. A lot stronger too. And we have almost the same insecurities. </p>I guess I'm quite lucky, not ever having to go through the beating thing with my mom. She only really hit me when I yelled back at her, or I really pissed her off. And the only thing it every really was was a spanking, or slap across the face. It's quite suprising. I just thought about it and...it's really a miracle she never beat me. I've done so much to piss her off; been annoying, broke her rules, never really listened...and my "step dad" used to beat her. Wouldn't she ever have the slightest urge to take it out on me??

No school agai...

No school again!! I'm sooo happy. Me n Annie are gonna go shovel some more driveways to get some money today. And Alicia is gonna try to get her mama to pick me up so we can go shopping.</p>Friends. The only thing I can REALLY be happy about. Well, I can be happy about music too. But still...It's kinda sad that I can never be happy with my parents. Or homelife...or ANYTHING else. I used to think getting an A on something at school was THE BEST. It's nothing anymore. Nothing at all. Getting a B, C, D, or F is nothing either. I could careless what the hell my grades are; my mom does though. Probably to make her look good. She never really cares what I think. It's always, "Mark, don't get in trouble this year ok?" and when I do, I'm like THE absolute WORST kid. Which I am, I don't see why she fought to keep me when the government was trying to take me away. I'm one of THE biggest problems in her life, and she knows it. She won't admit it to herself, but she knows it. I hate it so much. Everything I do is in order to make her look sooooo good. And when I say I'm stupid, I get yelled at, and she always makes a point that I have to prove that I'm better than everyone else, because most of the white people around here think they reign supremely. So, it's always "Asians are better at this...and this...and this and this and this...blah blah blah" It gets sooo old.So anyway, my mom came in and woke me up today at 6. I turned the channel on my TV to the news, sat up, and watched (impatiently) for Springfield to roll across the screen. When it did, I jumped out of bed, ran out to the living room and SCREAMED the news. The rents weren't very...enthused. Oh well, fuck them!! Then my mom wanted me to start her car...so I got dressed, ran outside, and started it. When she was about to leave, she made a big huge deal about me not cleaning off her car. But after she walked out, I looked out the window--and most of the snow was melted off. I was SO pissed. She always finds those little things to yell at me for. I can never do anything right...

Yeah, I wa...

Yeah, I was writing an entry yesterday, and my computer restarted. I was sooo pissed. But I was tired, lazy, and feelin' like shit, so I just decided to do it later. I can't even remember what I wrote. Damn. Oh well, I guess...</p>I'm sooo HYPER(?) I think? Alicia AND Annie BOTH get to go. But I don't know if they're allowed. I probably won't know until Friday, WHEN WE LEAVE. Alicia's packed. She's dealin' too...so, she WILL have the money. I'm helpin' Annie out a bit, we shoveled 2 driveways today in her neighborhood and got $12, and she's askin' fer early b-day gifts and shit like that. I understand totally. Money doesn't come to you. It never does and never will, even if I ever become famous, I'll always be short on money. I know it. Sad to think, but still. Not that I WILL become famous. Ever. Because, like, I have NO talent or look to offer that someone else doesn't have. I'm sure there's someone who looks a lot like me and has a lot of the same features and is way better, ya know? So, there goes modeling. Singing...umm...no comment? I really hate it when people tell me I can. Because...I just, don't see it. Well, HEAR it. I hate it so much. Either I'm really blind and negative OR it's true and I'm constantly lied to and will CONTINUE to be lied to. I gave Annie the web addy to my journal today. She was...all to suprised, I guess. She told me she had no idea I felt like that(about her n Enrique)...and I guess it makes me feel better knowing she knows how I feel about it now. I just hope she doesn't...well...act way different about them now and like, gets all fake or just plain AVOIDS me. Oh, I feel so bad for her though. Rique is bringin' on the drama--majorly. He's confusing her AND me both. I have no idea what to think of the things he talks to me about, and she's lost as well. He's hard to read and I'm normally good at that. I had him read this today, too. I want him to have an insight on how I feel about him and Annie. Not that he's really gonna go out with her though. He's too WORRIED about what others think. People at his school(my cousin Sam goes to his school) think he's like...crazy. He told me people think Annie's psycho. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? Yeah, and Yirmeyah is all callin' her a shit whore and shit like that. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?! DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND LIKE THAT TO ME! And, he says she talks about me behind my back. I kinda wanna know if it's true. But, I doubt it. He knows we both start shit over practically nothing...But even if she does, it doesn't bother me. Everyone talks about me at school. I have a few to stick up for me, and that's all I really do need. I told Enrique that Annie and I are practically clones, with the exception of gender...LoL.Well, I gotta go in 10 minutes anyway, so I'll put my written entries in tomorrow! Hopefully, we'll have no school again!! I hope we don't; I have a novel analysis due and it's NOT done.

GRRREAT...I'm sit...

GRRREAT...I'm sitting here talking to Becky, on the verge of tears. I can feel them gathering in my eyes...and it burns...but I'm tryin' my hardest to hold back because my dad's still home...and I don't want him asking what the hell's wrong with me. He always does that...never, EVER asks what's wrong/happening until I'm moping and in tears and a big huge mess. I hate him. He doesn't even care. But why should he? He's not my dad. Not...biologically. So really, he has no reason to...and my mom...I've been lucky enough, I guess...even though she's always screaming at me n shit like that. There's one good thing to it...she's not abusive. If she was, I surely would've ended it long ago.... it only would've added to everything that's happened to me in the past...Which I guess I should start goin' on and on about right about...now...</p>When I was 6, mama tracked down the dumb asshole and called him up...his wife had to FORCE him to get on the phone, and when he did I said hi and he hung up. I cried.In the first grade, I was molested. I remember it like it was yesterday. It didn't really seem traumatic at the time, but...I guess it proves to have been. He was 14, I was 7. I really looked up to him...and despite his parents always arguing and screaming and everything like that. So one night, I finally got to stay the night and let me tell you--I was SO happy. Anyway, we were getting yelled at to go to sleep, so we went into his room and laid down and just watched TV. Our moms were in the dining room talking, and his mom, Sally, would pop her head in the door (it was closed) every once in a while to see how we were doing/if we were sleeping yet. So about the second or third time she came in (it was about every 20 minutes, I remember him saying something about it)...he told me to fake sleep. And I did. He was like a big brother and I listened to nearly everything he told me. Even the lies about monsters and psychos...LoL...The door closed, and he started getting closer to me. I remember wondering "What's he doing?" but I didn't say a word. It felt just like laying in bed with mama, 'cause at the time, I still did sleep with her every once in a while, ya know? And my feelings about being close and like...uhh...physical at the time were really...open. I hugged people all the time, didn't care. So anyway, it happened...and I'd really rather not go into too many details of the actual act...but yeah, I said nothing until like...I think 4th grade. And I guess it's now my price to pay...silence when things go wrong, withdrawn from family and friends in certain situations...lotsa other things...I just happen to be a little bit...different.So, so, SO many things have happened to me in my past that I keep silent about and really don't share. With anyone. Recently, I've started to...open up but not too much, I still have a fear of getting close to people, although it gets out of hand every time and I lose the battle, get close, and get hurt. There are times I really do wish I was never born. There are times I wish things that did happened turned out for the worst. Like, when I was born...I was 6 1/2 weeks late...a C-section baby, and then, when they finally got me out, my heart stopped. They saved me. Obviously and unfortunately. But, no...I just HAVE to have..."luck."Well, I gotta give 2 of my entries. I gotta make up for lost time ya knowz!3/22/02That's truly sad. I didn't come up with one thing to do before I die. I thought it better to not plan too far ahead, just in case...ya know, like, if I decide to do anything stupid (OD,ED,SnD)...I won't be disappointed in any way. And I think it's kinda...opposite...with Annie. She's got Enrique; even though he told her they should wait. Her problems are there. They are big...but, still...no matter what happens, I think she has enough to live for. She'll cut, never serious enough for MAJOR blood loss though. And even when the last or only thing she cares about is gone, something else always comes in. See, with me, I honestly think I have things I care very deeply for. However, no matter how much I care, my problems always seem to win. So, when I finally do...it...I could simply say in my note/letter "I'm sorry" and add in heart felt notes to everyone. I honestly don't see WHY people either lead me on (lie) or keep caring for me; despite the way I act and things I do.Well, hey, atleast I can be happy for Annie. Her n Enrique are...talking. A lot. She even gave me hours NOT to call. Oh well, I guess. She says he wants to meet up @ Red Baron @ Franklin Park next Friday...where "more could happen" I'm kinda scared for her. 1) I don't want her to get hurt and lead on and 2) I don't want him to use her for sex and have her believe a bunch of lies and commit suicide cuz of nothing. But at the same time...I guess I'm kind of also scared to lose her to a guy. Friends before boys!!! I gotta REALLY try to uhh...go by that rule.Talkin' to Annie again. I'm tryin' to get her to come over n spend the night...but she might have to tomorrow.Nevermind..she'll be over before/around 930. I'll write more later. Gonna dance/sing to Britney n straighten up my room. :o)HAPPY.3/23/02Umm...I feel really bad. I actually have to confess, I'm jealous of Annie. How? Why? Obviously, it's most likely a stupid reason...and it is. I'm jealous because...she's happy. I know, that sounds really mean n selfish, but atleast it's umm honest n atleast I can like admit it, ya know?Back onto the topic of Becky, she told me she's scared because of how she's seen her sister. Guys have claimed they won't hurt her because they love her too much(guys that were "bi") and then they left her for a guy...n I guess she's just scared I'm gonna do that to her. I wouldn't. I've gotten to know her over this past >about a< year and I've fallen in love with not only what's on the outside, but what's on the inside. Her personality is what means the most to me and I really guess she can't see that...and I guess it just has to be her loss. I can do no more. She also brought up the moving subject. We won't talk or see each other...when in an e-mail, not too long ago, she told me that after I move, we'll talk online all the time, like everyday, AND atleast once a week on the phone. Self contradiction??

Well...

Well anyway, I told Cassie to check something, teased her for a few minutes with it any finally gave up and said read my journal. I WAS gonna add another entry and then tell her, but I decided not to. WHOA She reads REALLY fast...Annie was telling me about her bday party (she's planning right now, it's prolly gonna be 4/20) and I gave her the idea of a double party...since our birthdays are both before the 20th, and just two days apart, it'd be a good idea to have our party together. We have pretty much the same friends...or atleast tolerate each other's friends even if we don't like them. But anyway, on to today's BUH-YOU-TEA-FULL entry...</p>I shoulda wrote some more last night. I was up till like 3:30AM...but I slept on the couch from the time I got home until 8(ish)...Kara n Amber wrote me back...tellin' me I SHOULD tell them what I need to tell them, but I don't know if I can yet. ('bout me likin' Becky) They say I can trust them. Atleast they think n hope I can. *gag* I'm on my way to Civics...write more later.I walked in late to Science.” My locker wouldn't open." She said ok and told me to sit down. In the hallway, I saw Capri...I walked up to her and the first thing I said to her was "Becky said no" n she asked me why n I mainly told her...I told Becky Jeff's more important than I am, you know him better n you've known him longer...n Pri was like, "so mainly, you gave her up to him?" n I said yeah, pretty much. I never really saw it that way, but yeah, I guess it kinda is like that...*sigh* oh well. I can settle on just friends; I had to with Jeff, too. I guess I just happened to find two friends...who happen to be two incredible people...that I like. A lot. All the more reason to hate my DAMN life. Not that I didn't before. Oh, fun. Shit is starting up with me n Annie again. At lunch...we got really bitchy n shit. I hate this. Hmm...I'm reading this book. Go Ask Alice by AnonymousContinuing...talkin' to Annie...I guess the thing that happened at lunch today was just like...a temporary thing. Well, Annie told me that she made a list of things she wants to do before she dies n I think it's like THE best idea. So, like...here goes:1)Yeah, uhh I sorta can't think of anything. And when I do, it's all too...farfetched. I really don't even think I can plan that far ahead...to prevent any...umm...let downs (on my part) I think I probably shouldn't make that list. No one really knows what could...happen.

Well, It's be...

Well, It's been a really long time. I know Cassie'll be happy I wrote. She nags me to write when she gets bored, so she'll have something to read. And now, I'm gonna keep up this journal AND my written one (that I normally update in Math everyday...) Plainly, and simply...life sucks. I have nothing to look forward to, no life to dream about. I'm always gonna be stuck, trying to fulfill my mom's dreams of what she wants for me. She's raised me with a vision of what I'd end up like, and I'm starting to ruin it. To make, and keep, her happy, I guess I'll have to suck it up and be fake. No "choosing" to be gay...no freedom of expression...no picking out what I like...no making my decisions...no having fun with friends, and most of all...no living my own life. </p>I'm probably gonna type up every entry I make in my journal, as well as add to this one...so, there should be plenty to read. You'll learn to like me. And if you don't, big deal...There's nothing much to like anyway. And I'm not expecting anything out of anyone. My life is drama in the making. A play in the works. No one in their right mind would pay good, hard earned money to see a play of anything that happened in my life anyway. On to today's entry. OMG! SO much happens n I keep forgetting everything I wanna write down. Well, yeah, me n Annie are friends again, which I see as a good thing...even though we still get kinda snappy/bitchy with each other but still, atleast we're talking...I really don't know what's going on with me and Becky. I e-mailed her last weekend...n I couldn't help but cry when I was writing it...because of the...umm...content. I'll print it out when I get home and put it in here...for like a..."future...>what's the word<...OH! reference."Umm, ok. I was gonna keep writing in Math, but we had a test that I totally forgot about and prolly failed. Anyway, more important things have umm...occured. I should prolly make it known that I am sticking to guys. The ONLY gurl I like(liked...whatever) has turned me down(with good, thought out reasons)and well, therefore, I'm sticking to guys. Becky told me she didn't think it'd work out n I guess that's that, ya know? It goes back to that stupid ass DAMNED French saying, "C'est la vie"...That's life. FUCK LIFE. I was sitting in Math yesterday SHAKING cuz Kara wouldn't promise me that she wouldn't do anything stupid (I told her today in our notebook--if you do anything, and I find out, I WILL make it even...) So, if it does come to...that...I just have all the more reason to. Punish myself, that is. For everything. For ever starting up drama between Jeff, Becky, and I...for never doing anything good enough/right...for making everyone's life hell...<--Hell: it must be capitalized, for I made it as close to the actual place as possible, unintentionally. Anyway, back onto the umm...topic. Yeah, there's plenty to punish myself for. It's all in the files of my brain, however. I'd rather not write it all out. 1)too much work/effort 2)if anyone reads this, everyone will know my pain AND suffering...which would *NOT* be good. I could imagine it all, someone'll see my arms, I'll be hauled off to some psycho ward, this will be given to some...SHRINK...and I'll be counseled. Forever. And IF I make it OUT of there, I'll prolly be stuck in some stupid outpatient treatment. That will NOT happen to me, and if it does, they better believe, it will NOT stop at cutting. I'll go deeper. One last time. And I don't give a fuck. Becky won't care that much; less stress. Same w/mama. n Jeff, he doesn't care about me at all either. I know I annoy Holly, Liz, and Cassie, along w/Jeff, Becky, and mama...Annie has more...important things to...weep about. I'm not important in anyone's life. I'll never, ever really be. So, I have nothing to consider when I've got a blade to my arm and I'm either sobbing or just keeping a straight face and thinking. Whatever, If I kill myself; I'm gone AND relieved, if not, I'm here AND I'm suffering. No one really cares about me either way. Dad (Harold...) definitely doesn't. He totally HATES me.That's pretty much it. Tough, strong emotions from a stupid lil asian dude that no one gives a fuck about and could careless about what happens. Being minority and gay only adds to things people can tease me about.

Cumulative

Uhm, yeah, I have another journal but no one gets the addy for it. So, nyeah. I'm gonna take the parts from the entries that I WANT people to have :) Soo...here we gooo...</p>*I'll type up my entry for today later and post it in the next entry.*o1.o1.o3--2.34amWell, for those of you that do know me, I'm friends with Becky again. After...uhm, a long time. We're friends again! Yay! Before I forget: Happy New Year! ...Sort of. 2003. *sigh* Becky and I made up last night. I'm a lot happier now. Last night I had a huge arguement with my mom, too. I was gonna cut... I probably would've made it really, really bad, too. Cuz, well, normally, it's like, press & drag. I was wanting to just slash, slash, slash. Bleed all over. Pass out... Aaanyway. "I drew the blade across my wrist to see how it would feel.I looked into the future, there was nothing to reveal."-"Round and Round," Strawbso1.o2.o3--6.43pmn*e wayz--I've been suffering in the a/c today. Trying to get used to being cold all the time because it's an absolute must. Kind of a requirement of sorts. But it's not hard to be cold. I get cold when it's like, 70-ish degrees outside. Hell, 2 days ago, it was 80 degrees out--I was cold. *BUT* the wind was 20-30mph. So...maybe it wasn't without reason. Fatass Harold was 'comfortable' though. Oh, fuck me. Cold right now, in fact. Eh, oh well. Thinking about Alfonso constantly. Every waking minute, you could say. My mind is caught up in a stampede. Thoughts of Aj...how he's doing...how much I miss him...how much I love him. Thoughts of his kiss. Enough with the paranoia trip. I'm not in the mood to be cutting again. o1.o2.o3--7.28pmI miss Alfonso. >_< I love that boi. I wish he was getting back in 4 days--but NOO...It's 12 days. Bleh! *faints* Ugh. I got my buspass for the month today. Saw 2 hot guys on the busses I rode to/from the central terminal. *drool* A surfer (he was with his girlfriend--she looked a bit...well, Ew.) and a fyne boriqua who was carrying a guitar. He had a maroon rag on, a black beanie, maroon long sleeved shirt, black jeans, and maroon shoes. Ah, he was HOT. *Keeping in mind that I gotta man*I'm REALLY bored. Maybe I should go do what I was supposed to be doing all break: memorizing my damn lines!o1.o3.o3-6.51amYay! Harold's gone. >_< It was entirely too stressful to have him around all the time along with my mother. I could've just curled up in a ball in the damn closet or something. Can anyone relate to having to parents ganging up on you?! BLEH! n*e wayz--I had to wake up 'early' today. I didn't. I was supposed to wake up at 4.3o...woke up at 5.o5. Shyt, I'll get 3o extra minutes even if it means getting yelled at. Fuck them! I was even ready before them! So NYEA LoL Yeah, I kinda went to sleep early last night. Like...11ish? I stayed up long enough to watch Showgirls on TNN. Such a good movie. Ahh. *rolls eyes* Maroone commercial is on. Can we say A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G? OMFG. Well, I'm gonna go tackle my to do list.o1.o3.o3--1o.12pmAh, just remembered something I've been meaning to add on here. I keep forgetting everytime I'm typing up a new entry! >_< n*e wayz, yeah, Alfonso had called me on New Year's Eve...from the Dominican Republic. (I really hope that call isn't forever expensive...) But, uhh...yeah, he said he couldn't talk long...*He'd called my cell phone--Ohio number* And just as we were ending the call, my phone started cutting out. But from what I could tell, I *think* he was crying. I miss him SO much!! >_< BLEH! *sigh* n*e wayz, I'm gonna go & look shyt up. More later.o1.o5.o3--12.29amook, gag me. Today's me & Alfonso's 1 month anniversary. I can't even call him. He hasn't called me (not that I expect him to)...but he hasn't even gotten online!! >_< Ugh! Damn vacations! GRR! So, anywayz. I guess...I'm totally alone on my anniversary. Yay. All's well. I think. I need to get back in school. The 7th needs to come already. School, mom's new job. *sigh* o1.o5.o3--5.26am*yawn* I've been up all night. Bleh. Anaway, I made a xanga account for Deni today. She's thankin' me majorly. I want Ang to make one too...I need something to read when I get bored. ::listening to: "All I Have" - J. Lo & LL Cool J::o1.o5.o3--1.39pmUgh. I fell asleep >_< I wanted to hear that Issues Over The Rainbow shit w/MarkyG on 93.1!! GRAH! That's a 3rd week I've attempted and failed to be up to hear it. Bleh. So n*e wayz--the reason I woke up: I was having a REALLY bad dream and it was kinda ending; but I'd kinda had enough. So, here's how it goes: We (me & Alfonso) were in some really lighted room, he was skinny (not with the help of ana, he just...worked out & whatnot; he told me a few weeks before he left that he really wanted to lose like 100 lbs. ONE HUNDRED?! I'll kill that boi...) and I had put on more weight, so I was like, OBESE. And like, the whole point of it was he was breaking up with me. I "still meant the world" to him, but "not being able to see" me was killing him. Kinda like the thing I'm always thinking about. Err. Only...I was bawling and he was just like...I don't understand why you're so upset, blah, blah, blah. Oh, bullshit. This scares me. I really hope I'm not forced to deal with ANOTHER break up soon...::watching Carrie::o1.o6.o3--4.13pm. So, n*e wayz--My tummy hurts! I kept having to get a new piece of gum. Time to invest in some more Orbit. Or I could rely on my klepto side and get some at 7-11 tomorrow morning. Which reminds me, today: Ruthie walked up and I was the first at 7-11 (as usual) and she was like, "OMG! Guess what my New Year's resolution is??" And she continued (and I said it with her), "No more stealing!" LMFAO I wonder how long she'll last. 7-11 is just...so...easy. *LoL* Sarah got her nipples pierced over break. She was drunk. Yeah, as I'd thought before, she seems really annoyed with me. Kinda has like, no patience with me. Whatever. I'm not going to waste her time or anything. No reason to. So...yeah, anaway. Jordan got her nipples done, too. Sarah's tongue is healed. I'm still tattooless. *sigh* Well, my mom just came home. I'm going shoe shopping in a lil'. Bye ya'llz! More later o1.o6.o3--9.28pmAfter my mom came home, I stayed online for like, 20 more minutes, and then fell asleep. She woke me up and said to switch the screenames over. So, I did. Then I told her to let me sleep for a half an hour, then wake me up so we could go get my shoes. She wakes me up like, an hour later. And I'm just like "eh??" LoL I was so like, blah. I practically rolled off the bed to get ready. And to my surprise, my hair was untouched. So uhm, yeah. We get in the car and she drives 2 blocks to 36th; where the First Union/Wachovia bank is. I was like...uhm?! What are you doing? And she's like, "Getting you money for your shoes so I don't have to go in and argue with you in the store." Right. OOK. Bitch. So we drive up to Coral Ridge Mall, right? She drives all the way over to Publix, and goes and parks. I get out and I'm like TALKING TO MYSELF on the way to the door. I must've looked insane. But yeah, I walk up to Famous Footwear, the whole time remembering the 18th when I was there with Mariana, Alfonso and Melissa. Blah. I took like, a half an hour to pick out my shoes. I only had $40 and the $4 in my pocket from my change at 7-11 this morning. I spent uhm...$43 on my shoes. Nike's. I talked to Aunt Donna not too long ago; she said Samantha was going to Vietnam with granny for the summer, after she graduates & she thinks Uncle Hoang is like, starting a tradition. Nam after graduation. Hmm. So, if I went, I could go with Kaila...or wait 'till Steph graduates & go with her. ...Now to prove I'm not the only fucking fag in the family...Karlan? Casey? ...Justin? *Eww* Uhm...OMG! TOMMY! LMFAO! He used to be bi. AHH! Soo funny. hehe aaanawayz. I talked to Matt today. I still love that boi. He's goin' through shit right now. ...I miss him. >_< More later though.o1.o7.o3--4.34pmCame home today to an eviction notice on my door. Called mom. She said to just pack up our stuff. We'll be out on the 11th. Er maybe it's the 12th? No matter. Either way, I'm close to that homeless point. Our landlord is a complete dick, and, thanks to his lying, cheating ass, I've got 5 days to get our asses outta this fucking apartment. Soo...yeah, as if my day didn't suck already. Another 7 days 'till Alfonso gets back. Probably like another 2 weeks before I'll see him. His dad's bein' dick, too. So...yeah, whatever. I wish my mom hadn't come home. She was supposed to work today. Well, work her other job. But she isn't. Ugh. I'd rather just rely on Rose to comfort me. "Dear, sweet Rose..." *sigh* Things get outta control with Rose, it's not my fucking fault. I simply cannot deal with all of this right now. These are the times I wish my mom actually accepted me being gay. I could talk to her. I could be close to her. And I wouldn't end up cutting myself to relieve stress and shit. But no, instead, she has to totally close it out...and because of that, I've got more on my mind. I hope she takes a nap. Soon. Shit is just entirely too much anymore. I want out. Now. I just want to leave everything. Forever. I want it all to go away. If only I were 18... Ugh. I'd be so gone by now. Rooming with friends, not worrying to death about money. I'd actually be ABLE to have a fucking job. Nah, that'd be incredibly too easy, right? Ugh. I'm stuck suffering... For another 3 years. Living in an apartment with absolutely NO space. Arguing constantly. Being stressed all the time... Whatever. I'm gonna go now. Time for comfort...well, with food, anyway. For now. Later, though. Later. ::listening to: "Mesmerize" by Ja Rule f/Ashanti:: ...Do whatcha do to me babeh...o1.o8.o2--5.54pm*yawn* Yeah, Deni asked for my xanga site addy twice...cuz I told her to read it yesterday and at first, I told her. She lost it er some shit. Then she asked again, read it, and was like...oh, I'm SORRY I "tripped out" on you...ER whatever. And like, blocked me. (She says because she was gonna go send something to someone & get off) But oh well. So, then she writes me this e-mail, which I deleted at first, but then changed my mind and read:before u go off into ur lil shell u think thats going to protect you from me because u think im trying to hurt u hear one thing..no matter how much u fucking say the shit ur saying u no not a WORD of it is true. EVERYTHING i ever said to you was the truth and u know it deep in ur heart and u hate the fact them im right! i was telling you this for ur own good! if u didnt believe me u wouldnt have stopped!i told u the things i did because I LOVE YOU...if u havent noticed there is quite a big distance between us and u could have lied... but u didn't....so u ask you urself why...you just lost one the best things that ever happened to u...just because they 'rose their voice and told u the truth'...whatever...i hope ur life treats u well... i love you..byehahaha...lalala...*Moving On*So anyway, yeah, I went and laughed my ass off today with Sara (this chik that rides my bus and I never talked to before)...She's really cool. But uhm, I dunno...I was with her at the picnic tables by the cafeteria and Sarah, Ruthie, and everyone came over and sat by Hunter, Marco, Larry, Alex & them...It's probably just me, but I think they were giving me "looks". Whatever. It's not my fault I feel like they all fucking hate me and are just being fake.We finally finished up the rehearsal for that God forsaken show "Oh, Horrors..." I couldn't be more enthralled. Though I've got like, 8 more days 'till we perform it... And I'm not very excited about having to sing...or having to memorize my stupid fucking lines for this dumbass show. It's so corny, and EVERYONE in the class agrees. I shouldn't have let Mr. Knott get to me when he'd asked me to be "Gahiji Amun"...When he said I'd have to sing, I should've listened to what I was hearing in my head. "Don't do it, you're going to be singing." ...That kinda thing. So, uhm, yeah. Whatever. I'm stuck with it now--HOO-RAY!Rose visited today. I feel so good. Didn't use my RBs though. Noo, nope, nope, nope. Something more...err, something better. Yeah, knives are fun.Uhhm...anawayz. I'm BORED! >_< And hungry. And I had McDz. I felt fulllllllllll...Oh, my gawd. And that's gone. So we're good. KFC is coming home with my mom. mmm. And as soon as she goes to sleep, it'll be gone just like the McDz was. More later! ps-6 days 'till Alfonso gets baaack!!::watching: "Paradise"-LL Cool J f/Amerie::o1.o8.o3--1o.o8pmI'm so fucking stressed out right now I could SERIOUSLY fucking kill my mom right now. I'm not in any kinda fucking mood to deal with ANYONE'S shit. This shit is going WAY too far and I SIMPLY CANNOT deal with ANYTHING any fucking more. My mom is annoying me beyond fucking belief and I'm REALLY pissed at every little fucking thing she does. I can't wait to fucking turn 18 and get my ass outta the mutha fucking house because I just wanna be able to be LEFT THE FUCK ALONE when I NEED TO BE. My homework is just...totally shit that we're not taught in class, though the 'procedures' to do the problems are. But--get this--they use little uh...numbers, 'elements'...whatever the fuck you call 'em. I CAN'T FUCKING REMEMBER--in the problem and I'm like, clueless beyond belief. My mom's good with math. Everything besides fucking Algebra. Actually, just like...addition, subtraction, multiplacation, division...maybe some other shit. She talked about how she was good in math in Vietnam...taking off her little sandals er whatever, counting on her fingers & toes. God, I'm SO FUCKING ANNOYED! And the bitch on TV fucking bothers me. I'm watching The Bachelorette and she's talking about how she's falling for more than one guy, and it scares her because she's been alone for such a long time, blah, blah, blah. Wonder if she's been hurt? It made her cry because she couldn't "handle the burden" of "possibly causing someone else to hurt"...What the fuck is that?! Jesus Christ, bitch, get a life. I need my mom to fucking go to sleep. Now. I wanna go uh, talk...to Rose again. I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I don't feel like having to wear my piece of shit uniform. I don't feel like dealing with the jackasses in my class. I don't feel like waking up. Ever. Again. I'm gonna go.ps-My mom is now giving me attitude because I was supposed to was a (1, one) pan--the rice pan. She wants the fucking rice, and she fucking left it there. Besides, she always expects me to just clean up after her when she cooks. I don't even feel like EATING, and she wants me to clean up for something that I don't even want?! >_<

I'm at th...

I'm at the library with Annie...it's been like...FOREVER since I wrote.</p>This morning, my mom found out that Jeff and I lied to her about him being gay and now he's not allowed to call. Sucks to be me. But anyway, we started to move into Woodside and even though my new room is a lil smaller, I like it more. ...but I have less wall space(less Brit pix for my wall!!)Oh well, I have a door:o) I'm sooo bored.I miss & love Jeff so much, but it's WAY obvious that we're never gonna be a couple again.Annie and Ryan are about to break up and...yeah. Amber just broke up with Justin, Alicia, I dunno bout her, haven't talked to her in a while. Becky n James...dunno either. uhm. Mandi n Nate...still fuckin' I bet u he only wants her for a fuck...LoLI want my bed n dresser n CD holder thingy in my room already!! I *FINALLY* get em moved in TOMORROW. lalalaI have a pic of Brit n her dancers...1 looks like Jeff. *grin* hehe I'm gonna stare @ it 4ever now LoLI should cut that dancer out n blow up the pic....hmm iiiidea...But anyway, Becky forged my mom's signature so I can maybe go to the lock-in @ PAS on 1/4...hope Mrs. Stroud gets to my mom before then!!But anyway, I g2g...finish later. I hope. (Comp ain't hooked up yet..)

Just got off the...

Just got off the phone with Jeff, my ex, who I THOUGHT I still had feelings for and THOUGHT still wanted to atleast TALK to me...but he hasn't called in 2 weeks. I realize he's been busy with rehersals and all...but not even a QUICK phone call? ONE? A small, SHORT, to-the-point kinda call!? nahhh NEVER...</p>Here's the whooooooole story...Becky introduced me n Jeff(Jeff and I, WHATEVER! This ISN'T English class, so SCREW IT) a couple weeks ago...at the movies. He was shy at first...I loved it...it was sooooo cute!! But anyway...then like...2 weeks later we went out on our 1st date...when he left, we only hugged but I was like in the CLOUDS. I S K I P P E D back to the sidewalk and hadda smile on my face the whooooole rest of the night...my dad thought I was high or drunk or something...LoL But yeah, then, we went out, Becky snapped and kept threatening suicide, which we knew was serious so we broke up. It's all downhill from there...Actually, one LAST *fun* night with Jeff...November 16th. Backseat of Mrs. Stroud's car. He sat there playin' w/my hair and I *stupidly* spit out..I-Love-You...He told me not to say it unless I meant it...and that I scared him when I said it...then I told him again...and he told me the same. But, now I'm not so sure WHAT to believe. If he loves me, if he hates me, what he thinks...I'm so lost. There are so many things I want to tell him but can't and I just wish he knew how I felt. But, it doesn't matter. I have no chance to be with him again, even if he wanted to, cuz I don't want anything to happen w/Becky.On another note, Nick (someone who used to go to Becky and Jeff's school, which I *might* go to next year...)found out about me n Jeff. I have no idea how...either he heard about it from some friends @ PAS(the school..Performing Arts School of Metropolitan Toledo) or saw us together or somethin...but at lunch today, when I sat down to talk to my best friend Annie's ex, Ryan, he was like "So Mark, How's Jeff??" I was like *jaw drops and tries to play it cool* "Who's Jeff?" It was SO obviously a lie and I got up and ran to ask Amber something about a Cross Country paper....but then...for the next like...2 periods, I was being questioned: "Who's Jeff? Who's Jeff?"Damn it...2 1/2 more quarters of...that...HOPEFULLY my mom LETS me go to PAS next year*crosses fingers* After she sees my...uhm "devotion"(LoL) from auditioning for Willy Wonka, she might think twice!! But then again, it might be a bad idea. The opportunity to vent to(more like KILL) Becky and Jeff would be around so much more...Let's see...Becky says I take things way too personally. And I need to chill. I know I do. I don't mean to take things out on other people. It just...happens.Speaking of just...happening. Kissing Jeff....uhh yeah. Self explanitory?Ohh...a GOOD THING that happened today. I had some of my current and former teachers look over my "Why I Want To Go To College" paragraphs(2 paragraphs, 250 words minimum) It's due by Thursday to Mr. Hankish.Ah, I love this. Eat, eat, eat. I'm pissed and everytime I get pissed, I look for normally "fattening" foods. I don't get fat though...I lose weight. Hellooooo Nutrageous LoLLast time, I did this for 3 days. Nothing but candy and pop. Lost 9 1/2 pounds. Easy as piiiiiiie...MMM! PIE!...found more chocolate. Ah I wish I could stay this way forever. Well, with a LITTLE more muscle. >Not even< 28/30 waist...5'3 1/2"...like...100 lbs..*sigh*Maybe I should wish to get really fat? Then no one would think I'm cute--EVER!...not sayin that..uhm..heavier people aren't hot/cute/whatever...It's a suprise Jeff liked me tho...Anyway, Annie's phone is *STILL* busy. Prolly talkin' 2 RYAN...she said she'd call me...and if she doesn't--I'll KILL HER!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA...sorry bout that, but yeah. Becky and Jeff are on the phone...I was supposed 2 call HIM back but he called her...before I vent again...*Breatheeeeeeee*Ohh..I could be SO mean and never give Jeff his Britney cup. For her 2001-2002 World Tour. I am so mean...:o) I love my ideas!!I can't wait until I move. My whole room is gonna be redone(OH YEAH!) Britney posters eeeeeeeverywhere:o)

Today, m...

Today, my dad found out about me.

Just woke up. I f...

Just woke up. I forgot to write something last night. Me and Susan talked about it. Annie is being such a little hypocrite. Because like…I’ll talk about being outside with Susan all day or actually I’ll just talk about Susan and she’ll get all quiet. But, if I was to do that when she talked about Wes, or Jim or Maria or Ty or any of her NEW friends, she’d think something was wrong with me. It’s like…she’s allowed to have and make new friends…but I’m just supposed to stay stuck with the very few I have. By the way, the very few I have is like…Amber, Annie, Susan, Maggie. Naturally, all girls! Guys don’t talk to me as much. Unless they’re making fun of me. Or they want homework. Or…soon…probably wanting head too. But that’s only if I come out. And, people will wanna beat me up too. :sigh:

Well,...

Well, just got done crying. Grandpa Cain died yesterday at about 6AM. We just found out, though. My mom called me into her room and was crying. I asked her what happened and she told me. I didn’t really cry that much until she told me that he had thought of me like one of his grandsons and he wanted me to turn out to be someone to be proud of. I wonder…would he…Grandma Cain, or the Delany family still love me the same or neglect me if they found out I was gay. These things make me wonder and scare me. As my mom said, she’s all I have. And the only family I have is the Cains and the Delanys. That’s really sad. I have a huge family on my mom’s side and probably on my dad’s (Scott’s) too. Then, I’ve got Harold’s family But none of them really like me—or my mom. Why do people hate? What can be that bad? I’ll never know. I’ll have a loving family. One day. How I go upon doing that, I don’t know. It’ll be hard because I’m gay. I guess I’ll fall back on…friends. And the Delanys.

chin0kyd

God DAMN IT! I fucked up again. I don’t know what he’s going to do, but I know that Jose might get sick of me falling asleep while still online. I have other things to be worried about though. Last night, when I fell asleep, I was still online. I had kept an IM between me and Annie open. My mom signed me off and closed AOL and I’m scared she might have read it, or worse—my IM with Jose! Either one is…BAD. One is with Jose, my boyfriend, the other, with Annie, telling her that I’m gay. If my mom read either of those, I definitely going to hear it. Oh well, this is me. She can’t change it. I’m her only kid, but she’ll have to accept me.